A glad tiding....

I have a hard time focusing these days.....

that is not really okay but I am trying to accept that this is where I am at for now....

Good news is that Shelli is currently OFF meds and feeling like a 'normal' human being after a very long time of probable over medication and a long spiral downwards. Early days yet but we shall see.....

Amazing what can come about from an insistence on medication change, several rude nurses and a lot of determination ain't it.

Sometimes little miracles happen.

Yes they do....

just so you know

Well, not too much to report really

I survived K going away for two nights LOL

I got sunburned at the beach today, the beach that I am going to regardless of how revolting I look in my swimmers!

I went to the gym too, to combat said issue, but fear I should have started a year ago......oh, hang on, I DID DO THAT......so, why did I stop?

Life goes on...

True Blood is addictive....

sigh

I will get more interesting one of these days

or maybe not

Have a good one people

ah

I am a boiling pot of emotion created by my own sense of powerlessness and as such need to recognise that I can change and control only what pertains to myself.

As for the rest, if I keep it all in the day, and in this day only, it needn't seem so overwhelming.

I can do this

I have to

I need my sanity!

I have been to the beach, soaked up some sun and gotten to gratitude for the things and people in my life.

One at a time ...LOL

gritting teeth

Still furious.....

working on accepting that my life is surrounded by chaos for now and trying to get motivated to find some peace on the INSIDE

hah

not holding my farking breath though

every little thing is rubbing me raw right now

argh

OS I washed the car just before it rained

*giggles hysterically whilst kicking small animals*

GRRRRRRRRRR

Yeah okay

SO I went to the gym and I started getting organised.....

now I am furious!

Organised my ARSE!

There is not ONE THING in my life that is organised at the moment.

My house is half finished everywhere I look...my life is a FUCKING MESS that I can't clean up by myself. I am so frustrated with it all it's making me depressed.

AND the rain can just bloody well PISS OFF!

Grrrrrrr

You know, I sit here sometimes and I try to work it all out in my head.

Yeah..... Oh oh

I try to find the 'solution' for all the varying people in my life and their problems and then, eventually, I remember that I am the only one I can actually do anything about. In a practical sense. My expectations are my downfall or my joy, depending on how realistically I set them.

I am trying to pass this knowing along right now, to a few people in my life, and it is funny (not haha) how difficult some people make it for themselves.

My life right now is affected by those around me and their varying problems. This is frustrating, to say the least, and very not least because I can't find the energy to get out of my own road so I frustrate myself.

Tomorrow I will make an effort to do some things I keep putting off. Like exercise and organising my space. Next week, my aim is to stay home long enough to start a painting.

Or if not that, then to pick up the renovations again.

Or bath the dogs and wash the car....

There are things that need doing and I know I will feel better when I start doing them.......

argh

I don't know that it was ever real

but it is gone

so I miss it

that safe place

that was supposed to be you

where to run to now

when I am running from you

if not to you

paradox?

perhaps

relevant even so

It appears I am here....

Hmmmm....

Seems there are only so many games of Bejewelled Blitz I can stand to play and only so many days I can procrastinate on going about life for and also maybe only so many thoughts I can keep inside one little head without exploding.

I love my family and I love my K .....but this is not enough and it is also all too much. That doesn't make any sense I know, but that's how it is.

I am overwhelmed, underwhelmed and lacking any impetus to move my feet forward at the moment.

I am floundering here inside me or I woud be if I had the energy to flounder.

And I don't know why.

And I don't like it.

I am also sick of whinging.

sigh

RIP

Fly high and far Barry

You lived a good life

and fought with grace and courage

You will be missed here too

the freezing off of the proverbial arse....

Oh my god, it is so bloody cold here this week!

I am having to wear so many layers of clothing I feel like a sausage roll....when K and I went out on the Harley the other day I had so many layers of clothes on I couldn't bloody breathe...erk

This morning I have a man installing a new instantaneous hot water service.......yay for big HOT baths! but boo hiss for turning the gas off and the water so I have no heat for two hours when it is practically snowing on the doorstep.....:(

( I may be exaggerating a LITTLE....)

The concrete slab that all was depending on has finally been poured and soon the builder will build me some more house. This will be good as one of these days I will no longer feel this refugee type status that I have right now. That plus a dining table to eat at and (ahem) paint on will be nice....not to mention a back door and a yard to throw the farking dog into.

Mum's house sale settles today and .....surprise surprise....the bank has charged a million dollars interest and there is JUST enough money to pay all the debts with none left over....sigh.

It's funny isn't it, how some people just come into your life and move into a spot that had been waiting for them and you never even knew it.....that's what my relationship with my K feels like....coming home.

I like it like that :)

BTW the pic is of Kayla's birthday cake lololol

the good, the bad and the downright ugly.....

I am wondering what my next step is...really. I feel, well, I don't really know how I feel. Like I'm just standing here while life moves around me or something. I am cranky and sad and accepting of that. I want to work but not if I have to work...lol. I want to paint but am finding it too hard to start something. I want to do stuff to my house but can't quite find the energy or the inspiration (or the literal space) right now.

So, a bit perversly I suppose, I am very very happy in my relationship with K and with most of the external stuff in my life, but not so satisfied with my internal landscape. Not this week anyway.

I am a bit stuck and am picking at the edge of the glue to see how to undo it and I guess I am okay with that 90% of the time. The other 10% I just want to crawl under a rock and play dead. This feels a bit like depression.....I barely hold it off with a blue sword some days.

I feel a bit disconnected and a bit like going to bed and not bothering to get up till summer. It's fucking cold right now and I don't do cold very well. I don't feel like I am doing anything particularly well right now.

I assume this will change.

Soon please.

I am sick of my own whinging.

*******

I wrote that yesterday....now it is Tuesday and I, of course, am in a different space again.

These things are still underlaying but not overwhelming.

I am not alone and I don't have to do it all at once or all by myself.

I am blessed.

Truth :)

How excitement!

You see this big shiny bling????

It is mine.....

Yep.....

I am now engaged to be married to the very best of men

How blessed am I!

juz thinkin' about life and shit.....

I guess when I was sitting in a too quiet office all day I had plenty of time to write and to think and to play around in my head. In hindsight, while that was nice in some ways, in lots of other ways it really wasn't good for me at all......

Balance

Life seems to be all about achieving some sort of balance in so many different areas.....

I feel like I am coming out of the fog I have been in for the....well, since just before mum died really I guess. Like the world, MY world, is getting real for me again and like I am participating instead of just observing......sort of

I find myself wondering what all the fuss is about. Life just seems to be so fucking intense sometimes but in general, when you take away petty dramas, it really isn't all that hard. It's just about doing....one foot in front of the other, sometimes a little dance, plod along steadily.....then a little dance again......sigh......I begin to see that most dramas are created by bored people.

I see that so many of us create crap to deflect eyes away from ourselves, so scared that someone might actually see who we really are, so scared that that won't be good enough, big/small/rich/smart/thin...whatever enough.

That is sad.

All that potential going to waste through a perception based on fear.

Thing about fear is you just have to move through it.....

the next bit...

Well, I have decided that it time to start this tattoo caper.....this could be fun

I have also been working on some arty type things, pen and ink really, stuff that I would like to maybe turn into custom type tattoos maybe one of these days, when I have a willing victim :)

K has kindly turned some space over to me so I can set up an area to paint in....thank god because I was going mad there

Now I just have to push through the fear.....I am good at that aren't I?

arghhhhh

For goodness sake.....

When did I start to let my head rule my heart?

I seem to be in a place where I have worst case scenarios running through my head and instead of trusting in myself, my experience and my higher power I am just running on what if's....

and yeah, it is driving me crazy :)

Soooooo........I ask myself why, when I have already made these decisions and I am actually satisfied with the consequences of them so far, why do I start to doubt myself, my intuition and even my dream? What is that all about???

Not really relevant, yet maybe it is in a way, is that I had a counselling appointment with Shelli today. She made a very grown up decision to start therapy with a really nice lady and I think she was pleasantly surprised by the progress she has made over the past year. I forget, as did she, that when we are smack bang in the middle of stuff it can be really hard to see how far you have come, how much you have grown and how well you have done to get to the place where you actually are. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy....maybe I need me some of that?

Me, I am afraid I guess. So afraid of fucking up this thing I have, that I am paralyzing myself. I am not referring to anything or one in particular, just everything really. My past history has shown me that I can make some really bad judgements of character, but in hindsight they were all lessons that needed to be learned, it's just that I got burned, every time. I'm a bit over scars....

It is all so different now, and things have changed to the point where I don't recognise anything but mine and a select few faces in the story.....how did that all happen so fast and why aren't I trusting myself?

I suppose that when you make a decision to trust, and I mean really trust, then you also leave yourself open to hurt, major pain type hurt, and self preservation is an instinct deeply built in to this black ducks wiring.....so maybe I just need to stop being paranoid and take things at face value?

Just enjoy it all while it is here and do my best to live it well?

Another damned leap of faith???

Yeah....that might be it.

hmmmmm

Well, we survived Mothers Day

I feel my mother around me at times and she feels quite pleased with herself........makes sense to me. She feels quite pleased with me too.....:)

As do I most usually

I am contemplating study, as in doing Open Foundation at Uni next semester then possibly spending three years studying nursing......because I can earn money as a nurse, decent money and I don't have to be evicting people and chasing rent money and other such things, I'd rather clean up vomit......sigh

I did say CONTEMPLATING......for now

I can't see me paying a mortgage with what I could earn as an artist here in Newcastle......that way most likely leads to starvation

I am not entirely sure about nursing but I think I could do it and do it well......

hmmmmm

bloody....

When did I ever find time to bloody blog??????

grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Mundanities.....it IS SO a word!

My my my....

So far I have been blasted out of bed three times, once by coco pops...yeah go figure

I am looking forward to coffee with befri in a place where there are no alarms or phones or cocopop munching maniacs......

My damn cursor is having a spazz attack ths morning and I have 7 million phone calls to continue to procrastinate about sooooooooo......

Have a good one people

Later I shall dig holes for 7 or so posts.....well, I will watch anyway!

Yawnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Stuff.....

Well...here I be

Still busy, but in a good way

I have been moving and renovating and painting (walls) and getting my kids settled back in town and other such important things.

I have been loving and being well loved and settling into this new bit of my journey through this life here at earth school.......I think I will like this bit actually, it is starting to feel like I might belong here.

My state of mind has been all over the place for the past few months and quite foggy at times too. My emotions have been numb and also in overdrive and my heart took a step back for a while just to check out the situation and make sure I really wanted to be in it.....and I do, no doubt about that at all. I learned that a part of the grief 'process' is called 'emotional chaos' which I found quite amusing and very apt as I am existing in this state of being about 70% of the time. This is all okay, it is part of the so called process and I am okay with just letting it be and living it till it has passed on to the next bit.

My mother is in the boot of my car at the moment, awaiting a decision being made about what to do with her ashes.

She doesn't mind being there :)

I have moments where I miss her intensely and other hours where I don't think of her at all. I feel okay about that too. My kids are going through their own grieving processes, as are Daniel and my other siblings.

I think the most disconcerting thing is that I am no longer 'needed' in the same desperate way as I have been the past few years. I am adjusting to that. To the knowledge that the world keeps on turning and I don't actually have to be driving it anymore......it is weird and I don't really know quite what to do with myself.

So, busy is a blessing for now.

I have faith that when the time is right, the next thing will show up. It always does.

Life goes on, inevitably.

My Befri is home from hospital and got better in spite of me not showing up very much......the world also continues to turn, with or without me. Hrmph.......

Council has finally approved the deck and so now the fun begins on a new level on home front. Builders and no back steps and concrete slabs and other such stuff..........sigh

What an adventure life is......I need to remember that!

smoooooch

Hello????

I am back online but pretty damn busy.

However, my state of mind tells me that I need to get back to some of the things that keep me grounded and half way sane so, seeings as blogging is one of those things, I guess I will try to find time to do it.....

Besides, I miss you guys.

Watch this space, I will be back soon!

xxxx

soooo.........

Just in case anyone notices I am gone I am letting you know I will have no internet for anywhere up to a couple of weeks.....moving tomorrow and even my fingers hurt

That is all......xxx

Me????

Apparently I have to speak a wish into existence so here I go.....

I wish to earn a good and decent living by using my creativity and my artistic talent and doing something I LOVE.

That is all :)

I am PACKING to move into the other thing I seem to have manifested recently :)

Note to self......must get out of own road.

PS: I have decided to stop being a fuzzy headed moron, it isn't my style and I really need to get back to some exercise, my arse is HUGE!

Now that is really all.....:)

Ready, set, gooooooooo...........

I am far too bloody confused and busy to be blogging my mind right now.

Well, not confused as such, lets just say mind fogged?

Overwhelmed with no energy in reserve for thinking straight?

Ummmmm.........oh, who cares anyway.

I am busy....

I will be back when I am not so busy....

Is this lurve....is this lurve that I'm feelin'.....

I've decided that it doesn't actually matter where my head is at right now because I am operating out of my heart anyway :)

In about a week and a half I am going to be going into overdrive and getting extremely busy renovating and moving into a new house.....simultaneously.....argh

This week I am supposed to be packing up everything that can be packed and possibly trailered over to K's garage, because I will only have half a house to begin with....

It's kind of hilarious actually....

sigh

I am blessed am I not?

I have somewhere to live that will be mine for the first time in my entire life. I find that disconcerting! I may even be starting to feel a little excited!

We did go and buy an antique dresser for the half a kitchen and an antique-y washstand/vanity for our bedroom that is currently a garage.....there IS a plan here to have a bedroom ready asap!

And we are just waiting for council approval to finally happen on the revised plans for the deck/other half of the house.....snort.

Ahhhh, my life is fun. Really! I spent a large part of this weekend on the back of a big black Harley Davidson riding around in the sunshine and having some fun with the guy I love. How can I complain? I need to remind myself that my life is just an experience. An adventure even! How awesome is it that I have all these blessings?

I have two more young girls I hope to form some sort of nice relationship with eventually. My K has two daughters and my hope is that we all get to be good friends, his kids, my kids, we two grown ups. I don't expect to have to be mum to them, they have a mum, I don't expect K to have to be dad to mine, they don't need that. If we can all manage to respect and care about and for each other to some degree then life will be sweet. This move will hopefully be the first step in facillitating this stuff. Distance has been difficult. There haven't been too many nights I have had to spend alone in the past four months and this has required a lot of travel and running around and some mixed emotions as well on the part of the kids who may be feeling left out, whichever lot that may be at the time. I know this will all settle down and become something else once we are all close by. Time will tell how that goes and I just hand it all up to my 'god' to look after. If I think about it too much my head caves in!

All I know for sure right now is that I love this man. I love to be with him, I love the way he makes me feel inside, like a woman and a kid and a damn goddess too, I love feeling cared for and about and I love caring for and about him. I love the way he calls me Midge and the Babe, the way he throw his head back and laughs like a loony and smiles with his eyes. The way he runs around like a maniac, head down and full tilt and I love the way he holds my hand all the time and rings me 100 times a day. I love it that he is passionate about stuff and does it even though it hurts him sometimes, that he thinks his daughters are princesses even though they drive him to despair sometimes, that he thinks I deserve the best. I love that stuff. And a whole lot more. I love the way he loves me. Fullstop. So, I'm jumping in here feet first I guess, because I choose to trust my heart. And I would rather love a whole lot and risk getting hurt, than not love out of fear and miss out on a whole lot of beauty for the sake of an imagined fear.

I choose love. I never want to not choose love. Having said that, I am also no idiot. My eyes are wide open. Now.....onto the rest of life

I did my first tattoo this week! I did okay and can see me doing better. By the end of a couple of hours I felt I could handle the gun okay. Now I guess it's a matter of practice and seeing things in a way that allows for the medium. Hmmmmm.......I have seen some wonderful tattoos in my researching lately, I hope I can get that good one day. I hope I can be good enough that I can make a bit of money out of this on a regular basis. That'd be cool.

I am grateful today. For choices, for love, for free will and for you.

Yes, you :)

Have a good one people, take care of you and yours.

Stuff about stuff...

Life can be challenging can it not?

I find myself in a place where I am examining everything and if it isn't important to me or mine then it can basically get fucked.

I have learned over the past year or so that sometimes the people and things you think are your backbone are actually just full of shit and when the shit hits the fan the shit goes running. That's life I guess.

I have just visited my best friend in the psych ward, due to her depression finally getting the better of her in spite of the most valiant effort by her to not let it do this. I have had to watch this woman get so low that she almost checked out of here and I, as well as a few other friends, have had to watch her spiral down and just hold her hand while she did what she needed to. I am saddened by this but also grateful that she is now down so low that the only way out is up now.

I used to be really angry with some people who I thought were our friends and part of my support system and hers as well, but that is just a waste of energy. Energy I don't have right now.

Some people want what you have so badly that they will just take it. Weird isn't it.

As for me? How am I? Well, I am up and I am down. I am very very happy in my personal life. I have a good man in my life who treats me well and who loves me.

Perversely, I am also feeling kind of depressed and a bit stressed out and that is understandable I suppose, given all the different stressors I am experiencing or have experienced recently in my life.

I am feeling a bit less than confident for some reason. Doubting myself and my capabilities. Doubting my self, full stop. I don't like it.

I was talking to Munchoman this morning and he pointed out to me that I have let my 'routine' lapse lately, that I have stopped exercising, haven't been writing or blogging, which has always helped me to reflect on where I am at, I haven't been to the beach and I haven't been practicing my art, which centres me. And he is so right. I haven't been doing any of the stuff that makes me me and then I wonder why I feel so far away from myself. I have just been running around trying to avoid sitting down and feeling sad stuff I suppose. I can do the happy but the sad is what kills me. I don't like sad. I never have and i AM SO DAMN SICK OF SAD.

I am about to get really busy now and life will be full of stuff. I am moving into a new house, that I am going to be buying, with this man I plan on spending the rest of forever with.

This is all fast and big and exciting and scary too.

I don't have a job and I will need one sooner or later. That is scary too. I don't have a clue what I really want to do to earn money. I would like to go get qualified for something but I don't know what. I could probably swing it, financially, that I could do some sort of study, but what? I guess I should just try to have some faith that I will know what to do when the right time comes. But sometimes that doesn't feel like it's enough you know? Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything and that I deserve to be nothing, have nothing and that isn't right. I deserve the best. The very best I can possibly imagine. And you know, that, for me, isn't all about money and things, though money and things are nice and I like them, for me, the best is about the people I have around me. It's about knowing my children are on the right track and that the people I love in my heart are okay and happy. That they know that I love them and that I do my best for them. If I am doing my best I can't be doing any better can I??? I just want to know, here in my heart, that it's all real. Honest and real.

I figured out a while ago that if I have honest and real and if my life is based around those two things then everything is okay, regardless of anything else. Sometimes honest and real isn't pretty and sometimes it hurts. But it gets balanced out by those other times when you just know, in your heart and your gut, that you are in EXACTLY the right place.

And I am. In spite of my messy at times head I know that I am doing the right thing. I am not always ecstatic here, I am not always smiling, but I am happy and I am satisfied that this is right. I can't ask for more than that right now. I trust what my heart tells me and that feels good.

I like it like that.

Frug!

I am excited, grateful and a little bit crazy :)

So, what else is new.....

I have a vacate date for the new house and it is only a couple of weeks away....thus I must pack!

I must also purchase many things like paint and paint and paint and floors and stuff and paint too.....

I must move a big house full of crap into a little house, this should be fun

*grins madly*

I better get a quote from a removalist so I can have a heart attack....

I'd better throw out lots more crap.....

Hey MunchoMan! I need our deck!

NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

ahem....

*grins and cackles like a maniac*

Life on life's terms...

I'm finding it hard to concentrate just lately. Actually, I think this has been going on for a while but I was just too busy to notice. I guess it's due to stress????

I am so over waiting for things to happen. I would like to have a situation where I can just get stuck into it and it gets done you know?

As it is it seems that every single damn thing in my life at the moment is taking it's own sweet time to happen, regardless of what I want or think I need.....sound familiar??

Powerless.....I hate powerless, but I am trying not to let it get on top of me. I just want out of here!

I want to be working on stuff that means something to me. To be building a new life filled with things that are important to me and to mine and to be moving in a direction away from this here. This here is a sad place, at times a mad place.

Limbo, I am in limbo and I fucking well hate it.

I want to be excited about stuff but something inside me holds me back.

Today I had a huge attack of the 'I'm not good enoughs'.......not good enough to get a job, to have the things I want, to have the relationship I want, I can sometimes get in this mood where I question the validity of everything I know in my heart to be true.

I question my own reality and could easily throw myself away in a moment if I let myself go there.....it's scary sometimes, to be me.

I question the truth in what I am told, I question the decisions I make based on my intuition rather than my head, I question the people who love me.....I don't want to do that. I don't like the little army that gets in my head some days.....that army is out to get me.

Today I feel very very sad and angry and a bit lonely. Which is silly really. I don't much like being alone right now and I can't seem to sit still and just be......I kind of miss that but I figure I will get back to it eventually.

I think I am actually quite stressed and also perhaps a bit depressed. I feel kinda heavy and dull around the edges and I can't seem to get motivated to do the things I used to like to do. I know this will pass and I am confident that everything will work out, 95 percent of the time, the other 5 percent can be fairly unpleasant right now. It will pass, I know this.

Slowly but surely my mothers affairs are getting sorted out. We have accepted an offer on the house and other financial matters are being sorted out. Not as quickly as I would like but what else is new?

I am embarking on a new life adventure soon and will be moving back into town, into a house with my man and so, into a whole new situation. I do this with my eyes wide open and am looking forward to it, most of the time. I get a little wobbly sometimes, because it is daunting as well as exciting and part of me would just like some peace and quiet for a long long while.

I find it interesting at times to sit back and watch me try to sabotage myself. And I also find it interesting that I can't be bothered playing games anymore. There are some situations in my life right now that, if I chose to buy into them, could do my head right in. But they really are nothing to do with me and the people involved in them are not who I want to be giving my energy to, ever. So, I try to choose not to. Going back to the fellowship has definitely been an experience for me. I don't really like it much actually. I am grateful for it, but it can be a very sick little place too. I need to be aware of that and not let me be dragged into dramas that other people create so they don't have to look at themselves.

I don't really know why I am rambling on, just trying to get it out of me I suppose.

It's my 44th birthday this coming Sunday and I don't care. I just do not care. I am powerless over grey hair and wrinkly bits too.

I just want a deck dammit....

Sigh.....

Truth and lies....

I always suspected

that the pillow you laid

beneath my aching head

would crumble

into a thousand dusty feathers

one day

Yet I open myself wide anyway

here, beneath you

I lay the bare bones of me

hidden under these musty layers

my soul shines here

the very truth of me

if you care to see

Just for today

I am seduced

by a dream

I choose to believe....

Fuck cancer...

For

the laughter

the tears

the joy

the honesty

the love

Thank you Renee

I will miss you

Fuck cancer

just fuck it

Ten things....

Ten things you may or may not want to know about me......

1. I am loyal and if I love you, you can consider yourself loved :)
2. I am not stupid or blind or even a little bit deluded, I simply choose to have real people in my life, people who show me, by their actions and not by false words, that they genuinely give a rats arse about me
3. I am well loved by the people I choose to have in my life these days, very well loved and grateful for that
4. I miss the fact of my mother but am not sure if I actually miss 'her' .....I find this a little disconcerting but given our history then maybe it is normal and maybe I am just feeling a little bit free of some stuff I have carried for a life time.
5. I am in love with a man who understands what makes me tick, I find this a bit weird but will learn to live with it because I also like him a lot.......and like is actually a majorly important factor in a relationship
6. I will no longer publish anonymous comments on my blog, if you have the guts to disagree then have the guts to ID yourself so I know who I am talking to please. Fair is fair people, I am being open with you, show me the same courtesy.
7. I will not tolerate bullshit in my life. Most especially from myself.
8. I can be very full of it at times and need to remember that we are all human and as such prone to making mistakes. Forgiveness is essential, as is tolerance. I'm working on it...... it might take a while. Like a lifetime or so.
9. I now have a tattoo of a tribal style dragonfly on my back. I like it. My love got a dragonfly tattoed over his heart. I find that kinda cool :)
10. I love you....yes, you

Have a great day people.....

Fact or fiction?

I am feeling very sad that some people seem to feel the need to destroy a good person in order to make themselves feel better about a crappy thing that they did.

I feel sad that things can't be let go of and bridges built.

I feel oh so sad that nasty nasty things can get said and done in the name of 'spirituality' and that justification for some means shooting another down when they haven't got much lower to go and then kicking them in the face to top it all off.

There is a name for this stuff, it is called persecution.

Why continue to fan the flames of a fire that should never have been lit?

For Christs sake, enough is enough, remember the many many good things she did for you and leave the crap where it belongs.

The power lies in love and forgiveness.

This is my last word on this.

Own your own stuff people before it bites you on the arse one day and it will, trust me.

OMG

Today is my Kayla's 18th birthday!

How the hell did that happen???

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHILD OF MINE!

I love you lots!

sheesh

Breathe in.....breathe out.....choke

I find my self sitting here this morning full of feelings.

And that is okay....

Me, who has been running from feeling for forever and a day is sitting here swamped in emotion and allowing it to be so.

I have been reading and catching up on a few blogs. Not commenting much because I don't have a lot to say right now.

I rang a bell for Barry.

I am praying with my whole heart for my beautiful Renee, I know she will be lifted up by a thousand prayers in her final journey home. As was my mother. I witnessed that particular miracle and it was awesome.

I am full of gratitude for the people who have carried me and walked beside and behind me these past two years of my life. You people, my blog friends, my physical friends, my brothers and sister, my children......everyone who has played a part in getting me from there to here, right now, this day.

That would include this new love of mine who makes my heart sing a thousand songs at least once each day and who has taken my sometimes fragile self and tucked me under his wing and tickled me into laughing hysterically and then kissed me quiet again. Who is still patiently waiting for me to get back to me and who doesn't seem to mind who she turns out to be. Who seems to delight in me, just however I am. Oh yeah, I am grateful for that. And the freedom in there is something I can't and won't even try to describe to you.

If you have it then you know and if you don't, well, I hope you get it, oh yes, I do.

I am content on this day. Content to just be.

This could, of course, change in an instant....:)

Just for today I will enjoy living in the centre of me and just breathe and throw out the rubbish.....

oh snort......

Sometimes it just sucks....

Fuck cancer!

Just fuck it!

Pray for Renee people, she is on her way home.

I love you Renee.

blahdeblahhhhh

I am feeling directionless, purposeless and a bit god damned empty, mad and sad.

I need something to do....

but what?

What?

I can pack up my house to a point, and make ready for the move that I don't have a damned date for....

I can go run on the stupid bloody treadmill.....

I can sit here and type crap all day and think life is jolly

but really, what do I want to be doing?

I want to be moved and a little bit settled. I want my kids all doing their thing and feeling okay about it. I want to have a purpose in my days....I need a purpose.

I'm so not used to having nothing to do.

Shit

I guess I can find something, but everything keeps changing. It has all changed. Every single thing. I don't know how to do it.

But I don't doubt that I can, I'm just not 100% sure that I want to. Whatever it is.....

I could paint but I don't seem to have one in me right now....

fruggen hell

Life goes on...

I am not a good blogger just lately

I forgive myself :)

I have a life and in it I got a swine flu vaccination which has made me sick....as in lets throw up for 24 hours and ache like a bitch, sick.......I am still not complaining. I just slept for 24 hours and I am still tired :)

I have a terrific K daughter who looked after me all day and cooked dinner for everyone out of nothing last night because i was useless and sleeping and throwing up and stuff...

I have a fuzzy brain and everything is a little bit too hard. This will pass I know.

I am loved and loving being loved....that is absolutely the best bit right now. I got thoroughly spoiled on Valentines Day and several other days too......I am grinning on the inside quite a lot lately. Even when things are hard. Balance......there seems to be balance here and I like it a lot.

I am slowly starting to feel like I am not in a hurry to get to tomorrow.....that I can maybe just do today and be in it.....this is a bit weird....that a job, a moving, a whatever will come along when it is time for it to be here. That I can relax a little????

Pft!

Obviously the universe thought I needed some sleep so it got me good.

I am smiling on the inside....and sipping lemonade slowly

Just for today....

la la la de dah......

In a strange head space, in that I don't really have any idea what to do.....

So today I have cleaned a little, washed things, drawn a design and taken josh for a driving lesson. This took me all day? Too weird.....

I am waiting to enjoy this time....

waiting waiting waiting

I am not not enjoying it

It is just strange

sigh

sorry for whinging, I'm not really, I just ........I dunno, something

I miss my mum I guess, but I don't too

is that weird?

Ummmm......sad sad sad damn it

I'm feeling a bit depressed and directionless today. I suppose that's okay.....

I need a plan and something to do I think

Guess it's time to get my busy on.....