Well......

So, here we are, Sunday again in the land of me

I am going into town to do stuff today, escaping from here.....yay

Going to a meeting, maybe to the beach, maybe for lunch....I dunno, maybe whatever

I may be going for a ride on a Harley too :)

Yesterday was a nice day. I got the jobs done at mum's place, a friend (yes, that one) came over and we all went to mum's for dinner and then played scrabble (:)) and cards with her, which she liked and so did I.....was a nice evening again. I could get used to that....

Ummmm, Kerry picked up her baby cat......I haven't wrapped a single present, I think I have got them all though so that's sayin' something.

That's about it folks, I am boring......

Have a great day, I'm certainly going to be trying to

And the band played tra la la......

SNORT!!!!

Saturday.....the sky is full of clouds and it's kinda cool here this morning

That could be good seeings as my day will be full of doing stuff at mums to get ready for the Christmas family onslaught.....wow, next week is Christmas again, how did that happen?

This year has gone by so quickly for me, on the whole. It feels I have come a million miles in some respects, especially the last few months.......I hope so anyway, I certainly wouldn't like to have to do any of those head miles again :)

I guess I have been dreading this Christmas in a way, because it will the last one with mum unless a miracle happens, because it was always a time frame marker, because of a few reasons. But as it is I am just feeling grateful that she is here again, and we get to do this one more time. Without the stress of last years giant hoo ha. This should be fairly laid back and just nice. My brother is coming, Tahni is coming, and my sister and her hubby too. That's it really, except for ex husband for a few hours Christmas Day, with his new kids. How civilised, yes? :)

I'm not really sure how I am supposed to feel in all this you know, and it's really hard sometimes, but on the whole I am just so glad to be here, doing the do, as best I can mostly, and even though it's hard for the kids out here, I am glad they get to do it too. In the long run, they will be too I hope.

My mind turns, at times, to what the future may hold.
To where I will go when all of this is done and dusted, to what I want from my life....and you know, that stuff just all seems not so urgent, and I am trying not to think about it too much.
Things can change in moment and I am not locking myself into any particular expectation right now.
There is movement around me, things are changing and strangely enough, I feel comfortable in all that.
I have learned, over time, that change is a good thing.
Change brings growth and clears out the dead wood in my life.
Change can be confronting and uncomfortable too at times, but ultimately, when things start moving in my world, I get to grow some more.
I don't always like the process but I do end up liking me more than I did when I started.

So, yeah, once again universe.....bring it on.

Just in case you wanted to know, I had a really nice night last night



Have a nice Saturday friends :)

SNORTY SNORT SNORT

The truth of me......

You said
you wanted me
and I smiled
I saw
you thought I was
this body
but
the truth
of me
is in the ether

halfway

I will meet you there

or
nowhere at all

Hot hot hot........

Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!

It's like a zillion degrees here tonight and I cannot even get tired because it is just too damn hot......

Tonight looks like it's gonna be long and sleepless.....sigh

so

I have a date tomorrow night people.....

I'm a little bit excited about that....

I like a guy who rings me 4 times a day and tells me he likes me lots.....

but I'm funny like that.....

PFT!

On other fronts?

Mum is traveling okay.....pain is mostly under control even though she is being kept awake at night with a strange new leg/hip pain, she is a bit stoned all the time and she has been eating....

I made a king prawn risotto last night that was to die for....if you are nice I will invite you over one day and feed it to you :)

Ummm, I have been and had coffee's and shopped today, left my swimmers on my bed so I didn't get to the beach......

I spent too much money on blue skirts and a dress .....

I am having issues with Harry, in that I don't like him much so he gives me a run for my money these days. Unfortunately he is NOT running my arse off fast enough, as in it will still be there tomorrow

I bought myself the KD Lang Hymns of the 49th Parallel CD today....I dunno if I like it or not, I know I like Hallelujah and I like a couple more of them but it isn't as good as I had hoped. Oh well, you get that I suppose

Ahhhhh, I am just talking drivel here.....

might go scrub the roof

sigh

Ummmm........

It is late.....I am tired

The day has been long

Something is going on here.....

I'm not quite sure what it is but it sure is interesting I can tell you that

All that running I've been doing?

It's stopped

My 'inner' me has stopped dead in her tracks and is just standing here with a grin on her face.....

hmmmm

Too weird people, a little too weird

Where's my head at......!!!!!

Oh god it's Wednesday again!

That just keeps happening.....

yep, feeling a little nuts today people

I promise I have a good reason....

sigh

It's hot

It's windy......grrrrr

I'm also bored, my day has consisted, so far, of me reading the riot act to filthy tenants who leave houses in terrible states and then I have to be mean to them and make them go clean up their own shit.....poor poor babies!

Somebody save me pleeeeeease!

BUT

I don't have to work tomorrow or the next 3 days after that and that is cool

AND

I get about 10 days off over Christmas!! Woo farking hoo!!!!!!

AND

Tomorrow I am going to town to do stuff and maybe (definitely!!) have a coffee with my befri.....any escape is a good thing right now

I might also go to the beach if it is hot like today.....

or not

Meanwhile, I am filling in time here in this orifice and thinking about what to have for dinner

(oh dear god please don't make me have to do that forever) and maybe just a bit about a couple of other issues that are on my mind regarding all the crap that has been going on for me these past few months and how ready I am to deal with some parts of my life just now.

I've been reminded today that people actually read my blog and that, strangely enough, has left me feeling a little vulnerable.

I'll get over it though :)

Oh snort!

I find it kind of funny that......

• just when I decide I can live without a man I have several likely prospects prowling around
• that when I have an opinion and voice it I had better be damned sure it is what I really feel (and it is) be fully aware and prepared to stick to my guns or just shut the hell up in the first place
• that asking my mum if I can go out on Friday night feels a bit like deja vu and a wee bit silly (said with a scottish accent och aye)
• That I have lost those 4 kilos as fast as I put them on last week WTF?????????
• That my ex-husband had to apologise to me for not inviting me to his sons birthday party because my mum and my kids were disgusted with him, and then it turned out that it was her of course, and I wouldn't have gone anyway.....
• that nothing ever stays the same and yet some things never change
• that Centrelink have decided to cut my Carer payment on Christmas week.....like I am not really a carer??? Now I have to go sort that shiz out too......
• that in spite of the shit fight out there, in here I feel calm and almost a little bit excited
• It's beginning to feel a bit like Christmas now that I am going to be broke :D

Snorty snort snort!!!

Stay real people......it's all we have

Giggle snort choke!

I have decided that I don't operate too well on no sleep.....1 am to bed is too late on a week night :)

I had an interesting evening last night.....

Got stuck in major traffic on my way into town which made me an HOUR late for a 90 minute meeting.....then on my way home I had to detour half way around the world due to road works.....

I also got asked out to dinner by a nice fellow and I am going....why bloody not. I have spoken to the elephant slayer and he is done and dusted and also being a gentleman about it.

I found myself in a funny situation last night, and in that I found myself to be pretty comfortable with who I am today, and that was really nice. I gave my number out to a select few people, and asked for numbers in return, which was also cool. I had an interesting conversation with someone with regards to my ex who has been doing a little pole pissing it seems, like I am still his territory.......I think that is now sorted but it could get interesting should I choose to see anyone else from the fellowship, and I have and will be asked out, I know this because I am female and I see it coming.....snort

Lucky I've been made very aware of my 'stuff' now isn't it.......am laughing like a loony on the inside here.......life is funny and it's all a big game.

Seeing through the illusion is the primary purpose......

have a great day people

Parallel worlds......

It seems to me that I am and have been in a state of flux....

things are shifting, internally, externally......on many many levels

This is exhausting yeah

but also very freeing, and when I can manage to step out of the whirlwind and look in from there I see that I am being called on to put into play the things I have learned along the way so far.

The main thing I see right now is that if I allow myself to get caught up in the madness then I am asking for trouble. When thing start to feel messy I need to step OUT, take a look IN and from OUTSIDE make a decision and then stick to it, whether I am in or out at the time.

(I am pretty sure most of you will know what I mean but if you missed that boat, don't worry, another one will be along in due course.)

Remember when I posted that I had had a talk with mum about stuff a week or so ago, and that I had said what I needed to do.....well, the same talk was had last night with her having no recollection of what had been said previously, just that she has been feeling like I don't want to be here for her.

I sometimes think I am on another planet.

Sigh....anyway, things are sorted yet again, for now. And I had an interesting conversation with a lady yesterday who reminded me that I can complain and whinge and explain how I am feeling till the cows come home but if I am telling the wrong people then I am wasting my breath...snort. By this, she meant that I need to be telling my family when I am feeling inundated by them and overwhelmed and whatever. I need to be saying to them .....hang on a minute, I need a break here. I see the sense in this and will try but it is hard when no one is here to step in.

Shelli is feeling a bit yuk at the moment, and this is probably due to me being out so much lately......guilt? Mum has felt that I don't want to be here anymore.....guilt? I don't know what the others think because they haven't told me but you know, no one asked how I was feeling or why I have been running around like a maniac, they just say how it effected them. Interesting yeah?

So, I will have my two meetings a week, I will take Sundays for me, and Monday nights.

For now, while it is do-able anyway......I am flexible but it appears others need to know exactly what is going on.

Fair enough I guess.

I might need to leave work soon. Mum is dying of loneliness as well.

Truth?

Sometimes I wish I wasn't here, but not because I don't want to be.

Life on life's terms.....

Powerful women?

Sometimes people say things to one person, that get read by another person and that person takes offence.

Sometimes I will write or say what I feel and that might make you feel something....

That's actually your stuff to deal with, not mine, but I am sorry if it caused you hurt.

Sometimes you just have to say what you feel, when you feel it.

I have been thinking about opinions and power, and how we define ourselves as powerful and what that actually means to me....

In my opinion, the powerful woman is the one who speaks her mind appropriately, not the woman who points a finger and runs.

The powerful woman will always look to herself and see what part she had to play in the situation.

The powerful woman will not run blindly with the pack, she will stand back and guard the weak and the young.

The powerful woman will speak in the 'I' and not from the 'we' because she knows that she herself is the only one she has any control over.

The powerful woman will admit when she is wrong or if she doesn't know then she will say so.

The powerful woman does not always have to be right.

The powerful woman will fulfill her obligations and will say what she needs to say to a persons face.

The powerful woman will let other people speak without fear and will respect another's opinion may be different from her own.

The powerful woman will know when she is right and stand firm in that, knowing she has done all could and she is open to change because nothing ever stays the same.

The powerful woman doesn't need to justify.

Just my opinion of course.

Ummmm, peace perhaps?

Oh Christmas swan oh christmas swan......lalalallalalaaaaa

Artwork by Kayla Strangeone

Here is a weird thing!

I don't actually have anything to say right now, but it's only because, for this very minute, nothing is in the front of my mind.....

How nice is that!

Phew.....

I will be back later I am sure :)

Done and dusted.....

Well, what a longgggggg day!

But, a good one....

Have been and done the nephew and the mother shop

Then I organised dinner for the ratbags and took myself into town....I was in two minds, should I go play or should I not? I decided that I'm actually not all that interested in 'playing' right now, or in playing just for playings sake. I have decided to say farewell to the elephant slayer too......he was getting a bit damn presumptuous anyway :)

So, yeah, I went for a walk along Nobby's and sang into the wind, got my feet wet, did some drawing (well, unfinished doodling, see above) in the park and then I went to the Women's Meeting where I saw a whole bunch of lovely women I haven't seen for quite a while, one of whom I will be doing some step work with most likely.......ahhhh serendipity

It was someones birthday so we all went out to dinner in Hamilton and that was nice too, except they played such loud music while some bird belly danced that I actually thought my ears were bleeding....grrrrr

Sunday I am taking me out to the Breakwall and sending a certain pair of earrings off to a watery grave.......

In doing that I will have cut all ties......that might just be peaceful.

After that I'm just leaving it up to the universe. No more meddling from me.......I'm just going to do what needs to be done, the best way I know how......that's all I can do isn't it.

I feel centered and actually quite peaceful inside me.

The stars are very beautiful out there tonight........

Angels and demons....

This is our Christmas Swan...we are a bit strange at our house

Thank god it is the other end of this day.....it went on forever!

I think I feel a bit better now.

I came home early tonight, after doing the dinner run at mum's and cleaned a few things in my house, like the oven and the damn bathroom, that have been bugging me every time I passed them on my way out the bloody door....

I think I need to just stop awhile you know.....catch up with myself a little, it has been a rather intense month for me and I am very very tired.

I don't expect anybody else to understand why really, not my family anyway, none of them have a clue where I have come from because they haven't experienced it themselves.

This is also the case for some of my friends.

That is just fine with me.....I need people with other perspectives than mine to show me how to be different.

Plus, I need to get my own space in order a little too.

My house is not how I like it to be.

The kids do a pretty good job of it and I am grateful for that, but it's not a mum job, you know? Bits get missed :)

Lots of bits.......

(It's been 5 months since I had a cigarette now!)

There is something really weird going on with my body too...like an unexplained weight gain of about 5 kilos, pretty much overnight, for no real reason?

I have only been eating stupidly for a few days, not enough to explain this, my feet and ankles are swollen and my belly too......I am going to juice fast for a few days and see if that helps and if not, well, the doctor will be seeing me next week.

This is very unlike my normal body behaviour so it warrents a bit of worry I think.

We will see........maybe there is a physical reason for me feeling so fucking out there?

Whatever, I have decided to calm the hell down and chill out a bit.

I don't have to do everything in a minute.

Things will do themselves regardless and I have some other important stuff to do too.

Like put my nephew on a plane home tomorrow morning and take mum to the maul to shop.......groannnnnnnnn :)

Anyway, that's it for me today, my bed beckons........

You wanna know something else??

Chocolate, alcohol, cigarettes and Rob's are just no damn good for me.....

'night night people

Running on empty....still

I wish I knew a magic trick that would make me feel better today

I am extremely unmotivated, I am overeating in a ridiculous way and I am sick to death of myself

I know that the food thing is yet another face of my addiction come up for a bite of me.....I am doing something about that starting today, but what I want to know is WHY?

Why have I been inundated with every facet of my fucking 'dark side' this past month or so?

Why am I feeling so empty?

Why aren't the same things that have kept me going for the last two years enough now?

Is it just the way I am looking at things?

Probably.....and yeah I can get to gratitude and I can take back my power and I can see and see and fucking well see where I fall down.....yep, I can do all that.......

I AM SICK OF PICKING ME TO BITS!!!!

I guess some masks and blinkers have been removed from me. I guess I have some empty spaces, that I created when I let go of stuff, to fill with healthier things?

I just wish I had the energy........

Well, get this universe......

I have had enough now. I need some respite. Next week I am telling my sister I need her to come down for a couple of weeks after Christmas so I can just do whatever the hell I want to....without the guilt.

I might figure out what it is that I actually want.....because I don't have a clue.

I am in a place of not trusting myself or my own judgement after reviewing where I have taken me this past year.....maybe that is it?

Acceptance?

Courage to change the things I can???

Wisdom to know the difference???

Hmmm........

I am confused, I am in pain, I don't know what to do and I am sick of it.

I want off this pity pot!

Today I pray for clarity.....

and balance

yes

balance

because, to be honest with me and you, I feel like I am teetering dangerously on the edge of depression here......and I can't afford that, I don't have the fucking luxury of retreating into myself to lick my fucking wounds and I guess that pisses me off too.

Infinite patience, my arse.....

I have nothing to say...

I am tired

I am cranky

I am sad

I am

enough

I would quite like to slap a few faces as well....

grrrr

inside and out

I had a lovely morning with my friends eating brekky and drinking lots of coffees

Then I had to go to the maul and shop for Christmas.....I got a park in 5 minutes and wandered around the' not all that busy considering its Christmas' shopping centre, I have now got pretty much 95% of my shopping done.....

I actually have had a pretty awful day on the inside though

I found that sometime yesterday I moved back into myself, into my centre......I am very tired in here from all the running and I am incredibly sad. I know I am feeling a lifetimes worth of sadness here and it isn't just about any one thing, or even any recent thing, it just seems to me that I have all this sad that has been buried in me for ever and ever and on some level I have decided it is time for me to feel it....

I went to the beach for an hour or so and got blown around this afternoon.....I drove to a meeting tonight and it was on step 2.....*grin*.....yeah, I think I believe by now......

I did some reading on step 6, and I drove......

I had my music blaring and I sang my damn heart out whilst doing 120 k's an hour and crying hard.......it felt good!

Then I drove some more and handed every damn thing I could think of over to god.....

Then I listed every defect I could think of that I ever indulge in and asked for them to be gone.....it felt like a good and right time and I am so sick of turmoil

I will write on this stuff as it comes up and I will continue to ask but I have to start somewhere

I was wrong...

The other day

I nodded my head

agreed with you

intimated your correctness

let you believe it was so

handed you that power on my plate

I don't know why I did that

you were wrong

Blah blah blah

I don't have anything much to say today

So I won't say anything much

Far be it from me to make something up just to entertain you lot :)

I am very tired.....

Today I am a shopping for SPF, a coffee with Lisa and a spaying of the cat

How fun!

snort x 45678

I might sneak some beach in there......

I assume the sun will come out later, its hard to tell at 6 am somedays

yawnnnnnnnn

Have a nice day people.......

Standing here......

I will stand

here

I stand fast

in this resolve to stand

just what it is I stand for

I am not sure

but I sure am standing firm

aren't I

~~~~~~~~~~~

In my head is a

space

I like it there

in between

this

and

that

one step

before absolution

one step

away from power

one step

beyond ignorance

standing

still

in this

in between

and remembering

how to fly

Well bite my bum and call me Agnes!

You can do whatever you want, whenever you want..you just need to change what you want!

How true is that!

I stole that off a comment on Kerry's blog, left by Breeze, by the way....it is my mantra for today!

Another thought I have had this morning is that, while I like to think that I am a complex and mysterious person, what I actually am is simply a shiny spirit hidden under many layers of human crap.

The simpler I keep it, the less complex I become, the shinier I am.......

Truth!

Shine on people........

and the beat goes on.............

So.....don't you just love serendipity???

I went to a meeting this morning, after driving into town early and going to the beach for an hour, then taking myself into Darby Street for a coffee and listening to my music under a huge tree in the park.........

This is a Spiritual Concepts Topic Meeting and guess what the topic was???

Yep, relationships..........snort

My life makes me smile some days.........

Then I came home to mums to find her feeling very pleased with herself because she has managed to do some housework, god love her.....sitting there all tiny with her little short pixie hair and big giant eyes looking slightly stoned and tired but still kinda happy....the new meds have kicked in thank god and she is feeling human again for now.....

I'm feeling kinda happy myself. It is always very freeing to finally get to a place of understanding about a behaviour in my self..........I don't beat me up anymore either. Maybe now things can move along and stop roiling around in my head. Because maybe now I am coming from my heart.....

My body is starting to feel a bit more normal too....and tomorrow I am back to the treadmill and my exercise.....I was enjoying the feeling of that until I went overboard with the fat blaster crap.

My aim is not to lose 50 kilos and become super skinny, I just want to be fit and a little toned, I am quite liking my body right now and just want to tone it up a bit and maybe lose a couple of kilos so my jeans fit properly. Another thing I noticed is that when I was exercising my breathing was better.....

I have a little christmas shopping done and am doing the rest on Tuesday, when I also am taking the cat in to be desexed......no more kittens! These ones are pretty cute though I must say......mum is keeping one and I hope it keeps her company while I am busy

Anyway, that is where I am at today.

Some kind of peaceful...............

yay!

I didn't even know......

I had an interesting experience tonight

I was running late and for some reason was very intent on getting to a particular meeting tonight. I knew I would be late and I went anyway........

I was feeling pretty good.......

Ex was at the meeting, it was a very large meeting too, I arrived an hour late and was asked to share anyway......so I did, just about how I was feeling today, which has been pretty peaceful and just happy to be me......and grateful, grateful to be in a place inside myself where I know I have everything I need

After the meeting ex came up to me and asked me if I was seeing someone.......he wanted to know, he said, because he hadn't let go of me yet and if I was seeing someone he would be able to do that.....

I looked at him for a minute........contemplating asking him why that would only happen if I was seeing someone else and wondering what to say.....ultimately, I just had to tell him the truth, which is that while I am not in a relationship with anyone, I am not open to being back in a relationship with him. That I have seen other men, that he needs to move on, because there is no going back......

I hurt him with that truth, but what do you do? My truth 8 months ago and all through the year before that was that he was not here for me when I most needed him to be, my truth is that I don't love him anymore......my truth is also that I had, on some level, been holding onto him and that needed to stop.

When I told him that he needs to move on I felt a connection break, I didn't even realise it was still there........

My codependency stuff has become glaringly obvious to me and I am so grateful for that. I now feel like I can make decisions around men with awareness of where I am coming from and that I can move forward into somewhere where I can differentiate between what I want and what I need, and also that I can pull myself up when I head into neediness.....

I was talking to Lisa the other day about this stuff and it was nice to become aware that it is intimacy I am missing in my life, the intimacy you only really find in a relationship with another person. It isn't about sex, it is about sharing your actual self with someone.....well, it is for me anyway.

I also realise that it has been a very long time since I have felt comfortable in my own skin. My last relationship, conducted, for want of a better word, in sobriety, was a challenge in that respect. I never ever felt quite comfortable with it, never felt good enough, slim enough, sexy enough......all that stuff. I have also realised that I was with a man who always, subtly, pointed out the imperfections in me, I suppose because that gave him some sort of sense of power. Because I was never able to rid myself of my inhibitions without the use of a substance, I gave him that power.

I didn't realise until this past week how much of my opinion of myself was centered around how men see me......how I had forgotten that I am pretty damn good, just the way I am....I am a little gob smacked but that's okay...

My daughter will read this post and I hope she reads it with an open mind and takes me out of this picture, as her mother, and just puts a woman in here, a woman who never learned differently and is now just starting to see. That it is okay for me to go out with, or to want to go out with men, a man, but it is NOT okay for me to think that I am not complete with out it......

This stuff may be glaringly obvious to you, but you know, it hasn't been to me.....that is the nature of my disease. Sometimes I cannot see for looking.........

I feel comfortable in my skin today, which is really nice,

and I feel strangely free......

Some kind of gorgeous.....

My beautiful kid........

and best friends....Tegan and Maddy

And Blair......the boyfriend of course

Me??

I am having a life this weekend.......guilt free,

and I like it!

I will not put me on hold for a daydream....

Frikkin' Friday...

I have decided that my house needs a good clean....damn shame I don't have time to clean it right now, but mum has a clean fridge and several clean curtains, a sparkly christmas bush and that is what counts right?

I have decided that I take too many supplements and they are screwing with my body so I am going back to basics and hitting the treadmill with renewed vigour as of tomorrow, I am also going to join the gym and find out how to really get fit......I'm over these wobbly bits. Of course I do not have time to do this because it is a half hour drive to the gym and everybody needs a piece of me right now so maybe I will just love my treadmill a bit more for now and do what needs doing daily and eat less.....sighhhhhhhhhhhh

Maybe I will just not worry about it but that doesn't feel right

Anyhow, I am off out of here for this day........

I will make it my mission to smile today and to be kind to strangers, especially in the car park...

(I do have car park issues at Christmas time........)

See you all tomorrow

Sad sad sad......damn it

I feel like I have been grieving today

I just feel so damn sad.....

I am sad because I love my brother and he is hiding behind his eyes from me......

I am sad because Renee is sick

I am sad because I didn't get to experience someone I wanted very much to

I am sad because my ex husband chooses to treat my children differently now that he has a son of his own, and even though I understand it, they don't....

I am sad because I saw my mother cry today while she was talking to the lovely doctor who lives across the road and she has nothing she believes in and this makes it all so much harder for her

I am sad because people seem to believe they need to be 'perfection' in order for god to love them and let them into 'heaven'.....this SO NOT TRUE

I am sad because she has a build up of cancer crap in her lymph nodes in her neck and this is not a good thing....

I am sad because I am bloody sad and I don't get to cry enough when things make me sad....

Today I am sitting with sad......

Tomorrow I will aim for happy.....

Tomorrow I am going to the beach, to coffee, to lunch, and to take photos of my beautiful child looking drop dead gorgeous in her own original way for the school formal tomorrow night......

Then I will go take care of me because somebody has to......and that makes me sad too

Observing trust.....

Please say a prayer for Renee today.

Life is moving a little too fast for my liking right now.......

I feel like I am encased in jelly moving slowly through a landscape where everything else is going at lightening speed around me, if that makes sense........

and I am watching it all from inside myself and watching me from outside myself.......

I do not have a mental illness either :)

This feels weird........

My hand rests on the glass

hesitant now

I do not trust

I cannot see you from out here

I do not know your face

I turn away,

leave you to your fate

I have things to do

and

I do not trust

My feet itch

the chariot waits idly

I must stand still

firmly, here inside my resolve

but my feet itch so

this damned vortex over my head

spins me around

I need, oh yes I need

but

I do not trust

Drums keep pounding a rythm to my brain...........

I kind of feel a bit free now......which is a bloody relief, I still feel very sad though, and am trying not to let that stop me from doing what I need to do. It is a little heavy this week, is my heart.

Last night I had a chance to talk to mum about some stuff, really talk, and that was good too. I think I have been holding onto stuff because I didn't want her to know how messy I was feeling and to feel guilty or whatever about that, but that's not fair to either of us so now she knows, the surface stuff anyway, and that feels better for both of us I think.

I am concerned about Daniel but I am figuring a bit of honesty will sort him out too, when the time is appropriate. This counselling will be a good thing. I feel that quite strongly. I also feel that he and I need to do this together or we will end up apart over it all, because somewhere deep down in his little kid self, he blames me for all of this. No one said it had to be rational, and when I went to rehab and left my family out of my life for those few years, albeit to save it yeah, he was the one I 'abandoned' the most. So that stuff needs to be addressed and it needs to be done very very soon. For his sake and I guess for mine too. Mum cannot go peacefully either, until she knows that things are okay with him and I, because he is the one we are most worried about here......the need to be Daniels glue.

I do believe I am being pushed by my 'higher power' here, to get with the program and to do my stuff so that I can do this next bit the best way I can......and as much as my kids and my brother don't want to know about it, and as much as we all wish it were different, this IS happening and it is happening sooner rather than later.

That is just the reality of it all. Full stop.

My mother is fading. I am hoping that the new level of med's will improve her quality of life enough that she wills herself here a bit longer, but that's all it is really. Her will. And the way she has been feeling lately has made her not want to live anymore.....and when it all boils down to it, her will is the only thing keeping her alive. I wouldn't want to live everyday feeling like she has been either.

I have no blinkers on regarding her......none. When she is ready to go, I will be holding her hand...that is my job and why I am here.

and I am here.....

There is still stuff to do though....

Rainy heart day....

I feel like I am getting to acceptance around a few things

I am not completely there but am well on my way

My experiences over this past year have really shown me where my issues lie,

( now that I am looking with my eyes open of course *rolls eyes madly*)

Fact is.....

and I am SO biting the inside of my cheek here because I DO NOT WANT THIS TO BE SO,

but

Fact is, most of my issues lay around men

All of my using and drinking and wild shit had to do with a man and me fitting in with, being intimidated by, or trying to please.... a man, ALL of it.

Not that I am blaming a man, I made choices, but my choices were born from my codependency, if you get my drift here.....

I have spent this life in a state of total co dependency, and even though I have done lots of work on this stuff and I continue to do so, it still comes up and bites me on the arse when I am not looking.

My drug of choice, right now, would be a man, if I could find one I liked enough......

All of my struggle just lately has been revolving around a man, or the man that wasn't, or whatever, but it was about a man........imaginary or not

I am looking at this stuff now and seeing where it comes from, this need for a man in my life, be he a good, bad or indifferent thing.......at my wanting to grasp hold of the ones who aren't really available.....maybe that is lucky or maybe the universe is looking after me......about having a nice one right here in front of me that I can play with, who thinks I am gorgeous and would probably go slay an elephant for me if I asked him to and yet not really wanting it but not really letting go of it either....what's that about?

I should just tell the poor guy to be on his way........but I like him and don't want to hurt him either.

About how maybe that's how the one I DO want felt about me and not liking that at all.

Nope.

Not at all.

My ego cannot STAND it .......

Fact is I have spent my whole life chasing my 'daddy' I guess. My ever elusive father who is always somewhere else.....and funnily enough, he and I have been communicating lately, on a deeper level than we ever have I guess, and while that has been nice and necessary it has, maybe, been playing havoc with my subconscious? Because ALL of my man stuff is now up and demanding to be looked at and let go of.........

I will tell you the truth, yeah?

I don't even like most men that much, lots (not all no, but very very LOTS) of them are morons with teeny brains in their boxer shorts and that is about the size of it!

Snort.......I know that was generalising .......sorry, sort of........

I do not really understand it all, or even any of it.

I really do not know where I am going with this except that I am getting it out of me so it doesn't fester because I am tired of driving and running and my leg hurts anyway........major cramp in my calf woke me screaming silently from a dead sleep last night.

I miss having my back tickled .....

and cuddles

I miss cuddles

But having them with the wrong person just isn't the same either..........

So, I guess I will just wait and see what happens, I will do what's in front of me here, and I will continue to observe myself and try very hard to stop throwing me all over the place.

I can't help but wonder though, why, when I am just really coming into my own power, I am so damn desperate to give it away to someone again......maybe people, maybe this is what I am learning right now, how to have my power and keep it too........