I wish I knew a magic trick that would make me feel better today
I am extremely unmotivated, I am overeating in a ridiculous way and I am sick to death of myself
I know that the food thing is yet another face of my addiction come up for a bite of me.....I am doing something about that starting today, but what I want to know is WHY?
Why have I been inundated with every facet of my fucking 'dark side' this past month or so?
Why am I feeling so empty?
Why aren't the same things that have kept me going for the last two years enough now?
Is it just the way I am looking at things?
Probably.....and yeah I can get to gratitude and I can take back my power and I can see and see and fucking well see where I fall down.....yep, I can do all that.......
I AM SICK OF PICKING ME TO BITS!!!!
I guess some masks and blinkers have been removed from me. I guess I have some empty spaces, that I created when I let go of stuff, to fill with healthier things?
I just wish I had the energy........
Well, get this universe......
I have had enough now. I need some respite. Next week I am telling my sister I need her to come down for a couple of weeks after Christmas so I can just do whatever the hell I want to....without the guilt.
I might figure out what it is that I actually want.....because I don't have a clue.
I am in a place of not trusting myself or my own judgement after reviewing where I have taken me this past year.....maybe that is it?
Courage to change the things I can???
Wisdom to know the difference???
I am confused, I am in pain, I don't know what to do and I am sick of it.
I want off this pity pot!
Today I pray for clarity.....
because, to be honest with me and you, I feel like I am teetering dangerously on the edge of depression here......and I can't afford that, I don't have the fucking luxury of retreating into myself to lick my fucking wounds and I guess that pisses me off too.