Thursday, December 10, 2009

Running on empty....still


I wish I knew a magic trick that would make me feel better today

I am extremely unmotivated, I am overeating in a ridiculous way and I am sick to death of myself

I know that the food thing is yet another face of my addiction come up for a bite of me.....I am doing something about that starting today, but what I want to know is WHY?

Why have I been inundated with every facet of my fucking 'dark side' this past month or so?

Why am I feeling so empty?

Why aren't the same things that have kept me going for the last two years enough now?

Is it just the way I am looking at things?

Probably.....and yeah I can get to gratitude and I can take back my power and I can see and see and fucking well see where I fall down.....yep, I can do all that.......

I AM SICK OF PICKING ME TO BITS!!!!

I guess some masks and blinkers have been removed from me. I guess I have some empty spaces, that I created when I let go of stuff, to fill with healthier things?

I just wish I had the energy........

Well, get this universe......

I have had enough now. I need some respite. Next week I am telling my sister I need her to come down for a couple of weeks after Christmas so I can just do whatever the hell I want to....without the guilt.

I might figure out what it is that I actually want.....because I don't have a clue.

I am in a place of not trusting myself or my own judgement after reviewing where I have taken me this past year.....maybe that is it?

Acceptance?

Courage to change the things I can???

Wisdom to know the difference???

Hmmm........

I am confused, I am in pain, I don't know what to do and I am sick of it.

I want off this pity pot!

Today I pray for clarity.....

and balance

yes

balance

because, to be honest with me and you, I feel like I am teetering dangerously on the edge of depression here......and I can't afford that, I don't have the fucking luxury of retreating into myself to lick my fucking wounds and I guess that pisses me off too.


6 comments:

Snowbrush said...

Whoa, sounds really, really hard, and who knows why it's happening at all much less why it's happening now now. I too go through seemingly inexplicable ups and downs. The ups are never THAT high while the downs seem bottomless. Just remember that things do cycle, and this means they will cycle back up eventually.

I like your new blog photo.

Bagman and Butler said...

Nice eyes! I try to remember the first rule when you find yourself in a hole is "stop digging."

Lisa said...

it wont be depression if you are still considering depression as a luxury to curl up and lick your wounds- there are no luxuries involved in depression.

I can really sense your un happiness here Mary and it worries me so much, but i can also have the perspective of a by stander, which is no help to you ofcourse.

Personally, i dont know how you do it all and I feel you are mentally, spiritually and emotionally exhausted- now, considering the exercise you have been doing, i reckon you can add physically exhausted as well.

I agree that contacting your sister is a great idea- do you want to go away for a weekend together- a spiritual retreat of some kind ?
Some where near the beach.

You are sad and frustrated and i get it- in your place i would be exactly the same.

Keep going Michelle- keep doing what you have been doing, keep surviving xx

love you xxxxxxxxx ALWAYS

Michelle said...

I didn't actually say that I thought depression was a luxury wound licking place....depression is what it is and I have no luxury to retreat, seperate things....just to clarify.
And yes, I believe I am exhausted. Totally and utterly and i don't have that luxury either.
So.....onwards i suppose.
It will be over soon enough

Michelle said...

Oh, and 20 minutes of treadmill a day is not a lot of exercise. It is not enough....

Cyndy said...

I understood what you meant, Michelle. I felt much the same way when my Mum was unwell and dying and even after her death. Time to think upon my own issues did indeed seem to be a luxury when there were so many others to hold together and care for.

Grief counselling is a necessity, for all of you, but this is still an ongoing road that you are travelling.. keep seeking out the help and accept the hands that are offerred.. It may help you to find the acceptance...
You have courage in abundance.... wisdom: is this another word for insight and/or perspective? It is relative to the individual and the situation.
There are no ultimately "right" answers here.

Serenity... what a luxurious thought!


xoxoxoxox