Saturday, December 05, 2009

I didn't even know......




I had an interesting experience tonight

I was running late and for some reason was very intent on getting to a particular meeting tonight. I knew I would be late and I went anyway........

I was feeling pretty good.......

Ex was at the meeting, it was a very large meeting too, I arrived an hour late and was asked to share anyway......so I did, just about how I was feeling today, which has been pretty peaceful and just happy to be me......and grateful, grateful to be in a place inside myself where I know I have everything I need

After the meeting ex came up to me and asked me if I was seeing someone.......he wanted to know, he said, because he hadn't let go of me yet and if I was seeing someone he would be able to do that.....

I looked at him for a minute........contemplating asking him why that would only happen if I was seeing someone else and wondering what to say.....ultimately, I just had to tell him the truth, which is that while I am not in a relationship with anyone, I am not open to being back in a relationship with him. That I have seen other men, that he needs to move on, because there is no going back......

I hurt him with that truth, but what do you do? My truth 8 months ago and all through the year before that was that he was not here for me when I most needed him to be, my truth is that I don't love him anymore......my truth is also that I had, on some level, been holding onto him and that needed to stop.

When I told him that he needs to move on I felt a connection break, I didn't even realise it was still there........

My codependency stuff has become glaringly obvious to me and I am so grateful for that. I now feel like I can make decisions around men with awareness of where I am coming from and that I can move forward into somewhere where I can differentiate between what I want and what I need, and also that I can pull myself up when I head into neediness.....

I was talking to Lisa the other day about this stuff and it was nice to become aware that it is intimacy I am missing in my life, the intimacy you only really find in a relationship with another person. It isn't about sex, it is about sharing your actual self with someone.....well, it is for me anyway.
I also realise that it has been a very long time since I have felt comfortable in my own skin. My last relationship, conducted, for want of a better word, in sobriety, was a challenge in that respect. I never ever felt quite comfortable with it, never felt good enough, slim enough, sexy enough......all that stuff. I have also realised that I was with a man who always, subtly, pointed out the imperfections in me, I suppose because that gave him some sort of sense of power. Because I was never able to rid myself of my inhibitions without the use of a substance, I gave him that power.

I didn't realise until this past week how much of my opinion of myself was centered around how men see me......how I had forgotten that I am pretty damn good, just the way I am....I am a little gob smacked but that's okay...

My daughter will read this post and I hope she reads it with an open mind and takes me out of this picture, as her mother, and just puts a woman in here, a woman who never learned differently and is now just starting to see. That it is okay for me to go out with, or to want to go out with men, a man, but it is NOT okay for me to think that I am not complete with out it......

This stuff may be glaringly obvious to you, but you know, it hasn't been to me.....that is the nature of my disease. Sometimes I cannot see for looking.........

I feel comfortable in my skin today, which is really nice,

and I feel strangely free......



7 comments:

Cyndy said...

Go, YOU!!!!!

christopher said...

I have tried to write a response to all this but it is too close to me and I stumble, trip over my awkward words.

I will just give you a big hug.

Kerry said...

awesome...

am proud of you Miss Michelle.

Sarah Lulu said...

Perfect!

Natalie said...

I am proud of you.xx♥

Lisa said...

this is the blog post i have been waiting for !!
thank you dear darling maryme
we all crave intimacy and many of us confuse it with sex.......with realisation of this comes the strength to change, grow and move on....just as you are...........
you can handle ANYTHING michelle, you are my hero.......
I even like the big hair

Bogey said...

Michelle, all I heard was the sound of the shackles that you had been chained to, hit the floor. You are free at last.......enjoy it......and start to live again!