It seems to me that I am and have been in a state of flux....
things are shifting, internally, externally......on many many levels
This is exhausting yeah
but also very freeing, and when I can manage to step out of the whirlwind and look in from there I see that I am being called on to put into play the things I have learned along the way so far.
The main thing I see right now is that if I allow myself to get caught up in the madness then I am asking for trouble. When thing start to feel messy I need to step OUT, take a look IN and from OUTSIDE make a decision and then stick to it, whether I am in or out at the time.
(I am pretty sure most of you will know what I mean but if you missed that boat, don't worry, another one will be along in due course.)
Remember when I posted that I had had a talk with mum about stuff a week or so ago, and that I had said what I needed to do.....well, the same talk was had last night with her having no recollection of what had been said previously, just that she has been feeling like I don't want to be here for her.
I sometimes think I am on another planet.
Sigh....anyway, things are sorted yet again, for now. And I had an interesting conversation with a lady yesterday who reminded me that I can complain and whinge and explain how I am feeling till the cows come home but if I am telling the wrong people then I am wasting my breath...snort. By this, she meant that I need to be telling my family when I am feeling inundated by them and overwhelmed and whatever. I need to be saying to them .....hang on a minute, I need a break here. I see the sense in this and will try but it is hard when no one is here to step in.
Shelli is feeling a bit yuk at the moment, and this is probably due to me being out so much lately......guilt? Mum has felt that I don't want to be here anymore.....guilt? I don't know what the others think because they haven't told me but you know, no one asked how I was feeling or why I have been running around like a maniac, they just say how it effected them. Interesting yeah?
So, I will have my two meetings a week, I will take Sundays for me, and Monday nights.
For now, while it is do-able anyway......I am flexible but it appears others need to know exactly what is going on.
Fair enough I guess.
I might need to leave work soon. Mum is dying of loneliness as well.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't here, but not because I don't want to be.
Life on life's terms.....