Monday, December 14, 2009

Parallel worlds......


It seems to me that I am and have been in a state of flux....

things are shifting, internally, externally......on many many levels

This is exhausting yeah

but also very freeing, and when I can manage to step out of the whirlwind and look in from there I see that I am being called on to put into play the things I have learned along the way so far.

The main thing I see right now is that if I allow myself to get caught up in the madness then I am asking for trouble. When thing start to feel messy I need to step OUT, take a look IN and from OUTSIDE make a decision and then stick to it, whether I am in or out at the time.

(I am pretty sure most of you will know what I mean but if you missed that boat, don't worry, another one will be along in due course.)

Remember when I posted that I had had a talk with mum about stuff a week or so ago, and that I had said what I needed to do.....well, the same talk was had last night with her having no recollection of what had been said previously, just that she has been feeling like I don't want to be here for her.

I sometimes think I am on another planet.

Sigh....anyway, things are sorted yet again, for now. And I had an interesting conversation with a lady yesterday who reminded me that I can complain and whinge and explain how I am feeling till the cows come home but if I am telling the wrong people then I am wasting my breath...snort. By this, she meant that I need to be telling my family when I am feeling inundated by them and overwhelmed and whatever. I need to be saying to them .....hang on a minute, I need a break here. I see the sense in this and will try but it is hard when no one is here to step in.

Shelli is feeling a bit yuk at the moment, and this is probably due to me being out so much lately......guilt? Mum has felt that I don't want to be here anymore.....guilt? I don't know what the others think because they haven't told me but you know, no one asked how I was feeling or why I have been running around like a maniac, they just say how it effected them. Interesting yeah?

So, I will have my two meetings a week, I will take Sundays for me, and Monday nights.

For now, while it is do-able anyway......I am flexible but it appears others need to know exactly what is going on.

Fair enough I guess.

I might need to leave work soon. Mum is dying of loneliness as well.

Truth?

Sometimes I wish I wasn't here, but not because I don't want to be.

Life on life's terms.....

8 comments:

EugeneSwanson said...

I think you are always saying how much you need a break and that drives me nuts. You just had a MONTH off when bluenan was in byron, before that you went away for a few days. You only work 3 days a week and you're ALWAYS in town. It annoys me because bluenan needs you to look after her and even though you do it you whinge so much about it. But i still loves you =) and you're nevvvvveerrrr home

Lisa said...

my hero-sound advice- stepping out and looking in........

Michelle said...

Kayla, having a break means not having to do anything. For anyone. And i case you didnt notice I have been flogging my arse off here one way or another for two YEARS straight, three days off aint going to put a ding in it sweet pea. Just because nan was away didnt mean that you lot were and I have only done 3 days a week for 3 weeks. Give me break! Especially when I have been in that headspace I just came out of. I dont expect you to understand it, I would LIKE you to respect that it is the way I feel. I am here looking after all of you and I will be home a lot more now.
I am a human being not a machine and I am tired and entitled to whinge, if you dont like it, dont read my blog. Too easy....love you too.

Bogey said...

A lot of truths all the way around. Better it be said than the cause of long term or hidden resentments. You know what is best for you and you know how to schedule it. I am sure that understanding will come with continued dialogue. Anyways, your clarity is shining through and that is a plus.

Natalie said...

Yep. Yay for clarity.

It is such a delicate balancing act for you right now, that is for sure.

Hugs to you all, in a very rough phase of your lives.xx♥

linda said...

"I am pretty sure most of you will know what I mean but if you missed that boat, don't worry, another one will be along in due course."


yep another one is always coming around the bend and you did a good job there, mom...

darlin' your life is one big upheaval right now and sounds like for years actually in my brief reading of your blog these past several months....don't apologize , you have done nothing to apologize for and from my pov, are doing a damn good job of keeping all the crap together , like keeping one too many balls in the air all the time...crazy making and you aren't...i, my dear, would be...you are one of my heros.

Chrisy said...

I so enjoy your honesty Michelle...I hope your family appreciates that you're "still there"...you could have run away...I know...I'm a good runner...

Cyndy said...

"you only work three days a week".....

oh, the innocence of youth.....

*insert manaical laughter here*