Get a haircut and get a real job......

Well, an interesting day has been had.

My first month end with the new owners :) ....am laughing my arse off at how badly they do this......I look like a QUEEN in comparison.......but it was kind of fun working in the other office with an actual person and such stuff. I think I have been alone in that other place for far too long. I'm turning into a hermit........I need to get a life!

I sold a house, an EXPENSIVE house....which should make me popular, especially when I want a cut! We'll see about that, I have another sale in the works though so they better be good to me!

I am getting a little mad at stuff........

My mother is in hospital in Mullumbimby tonight, getting treated for something, I don't bloody know what and neither does anyone just now. She has been very sick the past couple of days with what was thought to be a chest infection and possibly pneumonia......then possibly fluid on the heart....now fark knows and we wait for xrays and stuff and Mullim' hospital is as big as two cents so who knows if they even have a real doctor......am waiting for more info from my poor sister who is now living my life a little...........

I am feeling a bit shaky but okay. I will survive..........

Time for dinner and then bed, speaking of which, I am buying me a new one this week......bed that is. It's about time........I've always wanted a chunky wooden type bed soooooooo, I am having one.

Why bloody not.....

Yeah, maybe so.....well alright then

I guess I have many reasons for needing to cry right now........

That's okay ...

I will go get a blood test done and make sure the body is not out of whack.....

I will research some other stuff

I will allow me time too.....to heal, to deal

I will trust that all is as it should be.....

What else is there?

time to get mad!

Oh for gods sake

why will I not stop crying?

EVERYTHING is making me cry........

grrrrrrrr

I AM too young for menopause right??

RIGHT?????

right!

I can do that....

Draw a line

and stay away

she said

I can do that

I find gratitude

in my heart

for all the empty

you filled

and

I wish you

love

Tentative Tuesday

The wind has stopped blowing

I am feeling cautiously optimistic

sort of

I need a project

Something to occupy me

Something with teeth.....

Tonight I am going to prepare some surfaces for painting.

And then I might just paint them.

I don't really have an idea in mind, just a feeling, that seems to work best sometimes.

For me anyway......

7 weeks without a ciggy today, its been hard this past week I must say

I feel kind of empty and directionless but I think I can see that that is actually okay.

A starting point

for the next bit

whatever that is.....

my back hurts.....

What is it with guilt,
I ask
why do I feel the need
to carry yours
every single time?
Why can I not be content
to let you make
your own mistake
carry your own fear
judge yourself

Mine are heavy enough

at least I think they are
maybe I should sort them out
give yours back
to you

my back hurts

forgetful

mostly I can see
the shiny bits
glinting through
mostly I can find
a smile
sometimes though
its just too fucking hard
to stretch my lips far enough
so they reach my eyes

sometimes I get sick
of banalities
lies you tell
that I believe
each time
when I talk to myself
at 2 am

that's okay too
as long as I don't live there
I just forgot
what it felt like

Turning eight on another windy Monday.......

Eight years ago today I had my last drink.....

wow

Happy Birthday to me.

I have woken this morning to the smell of bushfire in the air. There have been fires burning all night around here, well, not too far away and all I can taste is dust and smoke.....

I hope they got it under control.

I have had a few very sad days mourning the loss of something I never could have had anyway.......pretty silly really but no less real for all that.

Sometimes dreams die harder than anything else.

Today I will look for gratitude.

I'm sure I will find it somewhere......

Throwing my hands up today......you take it universe, I don't want it any more.

Somehow I have managed to be put in a place here....

My mother and brother are at my sisters for another week, they have been there for a week already now

My kids are at home with me

I am just here.......kind of just stuck

I don't know what the next bit is

I don't know what to do

What not to do

Nobody is actually asking me for anything right now.....

And I have no idea what to do with myself

I'm feeling awfully lost in here though

Truth on a Sunday then......

My truth?

Someone pointed out to me recently that she hadn't been hearing 'me' just lately....

well, maybe so, maybe so

I am in a funny place right now to be perfectly honest.

This blog is my place to be 'my' perfectly honest after all isn't it....

I am in a place where I have absolutely no idea what it is that I am, what it is that I actually am doing or what it is that I really want to be doing.

The trouble with living your life exclusively for other people for a while seems to be that you forget about you in there.

So, someone comes along and reminds you of you and you follow that for a while because it feels right but then that turns out to be not really right either, or anything like it, because really and truly, it was you you were looking for and at, not someone else at all and maybe that wasn't fair but if you didn't know, you didn't know, till you did.

So, here you are........in a place you created, empty of everything but the bare fucking bones of the people you love who are dying and the other people you love who are dealing with that shit and what now people????

What now??

I am not happy.

I do not like working for these new people.

I think I will give them a month more of my time and then that will be that. I can think of approximately one trillion more thrilling things I can do with my time.......sweep up dust for example.

Seriously, that job, that office, this circumstance is killing my soul.

While I was doing it for her it was okay, a thing that had to be done.

Now, it is not.

I need something else.

But what?

Some days

the sadness

overflows

and leaves its mark

etched in tear stains

down my dust covered facade

this is my shame,

my reality

and I must live it true

this I was told

by a far greater power

than I

why do I argue

every time?

Sunshine on a Sunday

Good Sunday morning people...

I am looking out my window at a clear blue not windy dustfilled sky!

Yay

Today I will do some washing, vacuum up a shitload of dust, and maybe

just maybe

I will go fishing....

well

Why not?

I can't sulk forever!

breathless in a totally not cool way.....

I am sooooo glad I hadn't yet got around to cleaning up the dust from Wednesday!

Blowing a gale FULL OF IT again and I still have a lungful or two from the other day........

I can't bloody breathe damn it!

I think I will type some bloody reports then go buy a lot of chocolate and go home to bed and eat it while reading a decent book.......(hopefully I have a decent book)

I am not in a good mood....

I am cranky and sad and tired and breathless.....

I am grateful for chocolate ..............

that's about farking it today!

grrrrrrrrrr

Whinging again......sort of

Yesterday was a big day for me

Shelli's birthday was nice....she enjoyed it. It was hard work though, to make a day go off without a plan ........she had been stressing out because her birthday was when she started cutting, four years ago and so it had associated nasties every year since......

The plan was to not have a plan so nothing could go wrong because there wasn't anything planned. I know I said that several times but I am tired so bear with me.....

anyway, I had a couple of little semi-planned surprises in the form of people who showed up but other than that all we did was eat and shop ........even the cake was a box of randomly chosen dreamy donuts

That fixed her......

Nothing could go wrong and it didn't

At some point very soon I am going to have a week off before I fall down

I am so very damn tired I could cry and I am so mad at that eyebrow stealing idiot who waxed my head off...do you have any idea how many damned eyebrows I have to pluck now? I was perfectly happy with my real ones grrrrrrrrrrr.......

Thursday with no dust.....well, plenty of dust but not in the air

Today I wish a

Happy 16th Birthday for my Shelli girl

and a safe journey for John

Me?

Today I shop...

groan

The sky is falling???

I guess I'd better mention the orange yellow windy gale blowing sky I have outside here today in beautiful downtown Lost the Plot (where I live).....

Mother nature is venting......

I would post a pic but I am strangely lethargic right now and cannot be bothered so I stole this one off the internet....

And cold, I am a bit cold, inside and out.....

Tomorrow is my Shelli's 16th birthday.....

Tomorrow John leaves (orange sky permitting)....

Tomorrow is a busy day

As is today......yet I am sitting here putting it off

I am tired and still standing here in the eye of my own particular storm

So what else is new?

The bare bones of it.....

Sometimes
to be true to me
I must be truthful with you

this hurts

if I said I was sorry
I would be lying

I wont lie

that I
intended no hurt
makes it no less painful

if I said
this hurt me too

would it really matter?

Oh for friks sake.......where is the fairytale?

I have had occasion in the past few days, to observe myself and my observations are leaving me a little confused....

I see that I am dealing with everything and everybody in my life from 'arm's length', if that makes sense. I don't know when I started this, I suspect I have been doing it forever, or at least as long as I have not had any other 'crutch' to hold me up. I can handle anything as long as I can keep it at a 'safe' distance from me....energetically if nothing else.

This is interesting and I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not.

Maybe it's a necessary thing right now....or I would collapse under the sheer weight of expectation that hovers over my head?

I have also been a little cranky with the so called grown up people in my house, who insist they are grown up, yet leave me, the one with no time, the bulk of the work to do. Having gotten cranky about that to the point of making myself laugh and scaring other people away yesterday I can now see that I need to get cranky sometimes. And I am ........part of me is pretty damned mad. And actually, they do quite a bit, I am just cranky......see what a whirligig I live right now? I am cranky because I don't have the time to be doing the stuff I want to do not because my house has a layer of dog hair today and so on........

I bought myself a lawn mower and a whipper snipper this weekend. This means that I now can tell/ask my son nicely to mow my lawn, and if he doesn't, mow it myself. This is another break from the recent past. I realised yesterday that regardless of what relationship I have ever been in, except for the last one, I ALWAYS mowed my own lawn, did my own house repair/painting and stuff, did every damned thing actually (In the last one mowing the lawn got mixed up with giving a shit so we had to get rid of that....) so I don't know why this is feeling hard right now.

I am also wondering how I managed to make such a bloody martyr of myself?

Hmmmm......

Mum is off to Byron for a week or so today. I hope she has a nice time.

Damn...

Sending prayers and love to Renee and her family today.

Life is a funny old thing.

Live it while you have it people.

PFT!!!!!

I would post something but I am BUSY....

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

Farking work!

Farking tenants!

Farking bosses!

:0)

A Very Happy Birthday
to
the tall pommy guy!

Head above water....

Yesterday someone called Mark left a comment for me.......Mark is really a multiple personality otherwise known as B&B, or Bagman and Butler (I like Baggy best because he is as naughty as I would like to be but am not anymore)...anyway, I digress

Mark left this little story in my comment box....

I am reminded of my rule for helping someone into a lifeboat: "You can never push someone into a lifeboat because it just makes your head go underwater. You can only pull someone into a lifeboat once you are securely in the lifeboat yourself with other people holding on to you."

Which led me to pondering today, about who is in my life boat holding onto me.....

You know what, and this may be silly to some, but a lot of my life boat people are reading this page and are probably you.....yes, you

And of course my Maryme.

And my Tahni and my Kayla too funnily enough.....

Hmmmmm........

I think last week I just fell in the water for a bit....

I'm out and dry now.

I didn't even realise I was drowning....is that what happens?

Moaningday morning......

Have been a bit busy down here at the office this morning....WTF's that all about?

I have no wish to be busy this morning.....

I am tired

still

My cold sores are healing up and very dry and cracky and stuff....grrrrrrrrr

My house is full of rude teenagers who make more mess than they clean up and eat more food than I get paid for.......and one tall pommy who is kind of cute and cleans up after himself so we might let him stay a while.

I have decided to calm down.

This was necessary as I was driving myself a bit insane last week with the thought of having to do it all forever and other such stuff.

I need to remind myself that I can do nothing about anyone else's thoughts or feelings or opinions, they are not my responsibility.......I have enough responsibility right now to sink a damn ship so everyone else gets to manage their own stuff from now on.....I can't do it all, I'm not even supposed to, and I certainly don't want to.

That's actually kind of a dumb thing to say because it's all wishful thinking, the external stuff I am dealing with right now, pretty much none of it is mine.......however, it does belong to my children and my parent so I will deal with it I guess. I will just remember that it will not last forever. And that one day I might even miss it.

The internal stuff?? Well, I'm just leaving it alone for now and giving me a break.

Immune system boosters?? Tell me some good ones people, my immune system is not happy with me right now........

Remembering and not....

I've been reading through a few posts where people are remembering where they were on THAT September 11 ....eight years ago.

Would you like to know where I was?

I was actually having lunch at a drug and alcohol education centre I was attending at the time. This was just after I had been released from a 3 week hospital stay where they had put me back together again after some major body organs tried to shut down from alcohol abuse......this centre was teaching (!!) me about what I was doing to myself.

I remember standing in that room transfixed by the TV screen, watching those people jump out of that building, I was horrified, absolutely horrified, I remember wondering what the fucking point was. I don't remember a great deal after that.....

It was a two week course and I was about half way in.....after September 11 I went back out and drank myself silly till the 28th of September.....

Which was when I put myself into detox for a week and went from there to rehab for 6 months....I did not pass go.

Yep, September that year was quite meaningful for me......

In case you didn't know, I haven't had a drink since :)

I don't watch a lot of news either.

It's also been more than a month now since I had a ciggy.........

I remember
nothing much
but the fall
I remember
mine
all of theirs too

that's got to count
for something

Frikken Friday!

Life caught up with me this week, of all weeks for it to do so.........

I have been not quite well, with cold sores, sore throats and other such stuff...

Is typical of life sometimes is it not.....

I cannot be wonder woman ALL of the time, someone should have told me!

Snort!

Poor John has not been experiencing me at my best........ I am taking him somewhere nice this weekend I hope......we will go exploring Port Stephens I think :)

Oncology appointment with mum yesterday was a farce!

We saw a registrar who had us in and out in about 5 minutes flat......end result, no blood results, and an appointment for 8 weeks away with a new CT scan to be done before that.
Mum's happy with that because it means no chemo for at least that long.
I am spitting chips, or would be if I had the frikken energy, I would have liked to have kicked that mans arse for him. I had to fight him for a script for pain relief.....what is it with doctors and not giving dying people narcotics???

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr........

So, today I must ring up and yell at people so I can get the blood results that we didn't get yesterday.

Today I think I am lunching with Lisa.

Today I am not worrying about having 5000 cold sores because yesterday I saw a woman with half her face cut out........cold sores go away!

Perspective people, this week is all about perspective and looking at what is important and what is not. I don't have an answer, but then, I haven't really asked a question.

I have been quiet I know, but sometimes it be like that :)

Hmmm....

Life is seriously weird people.

It is Tuesday, I am here in this office that is no longer MY office, not quite sure what the hell I am doing here, not really wanting to be here, and wondering why the hell I am. Must remind myself that the rent roll needs to all come over and that is why I am here.

John is at my house, I am here, that is weird too, in a nice kind of way....

My mother is being strange, I'm not at all sure why either. We have an oncology appointment on Thursday, that may be it.....or maybe she thinks I'm running away or something...I am not sure but I will need to talk to her soon.

Just to top off my weird and interesting life this week my face has decided it would like to be a cold sore.......I have the most enormous break out of the bloody things I have ever had in my life and now feel like something from a freak show.......great timing yeah, sigh

I need to go disappear for a week or two......

I would come back....

I swear I would!

snort.....

Who me?

I am back!

I had a lovely weekend away, doing nothing much at all.....

Well, I did do a few things.....I got to meet someone finally and to show him a bit of my favourite stuff in the world....

Oh, and yes, in case you wondered, it is John who has come to visit me......

You want to know something???

Ok....

He is VERY tall....

:)

Right now I am off to the bloody office, which now has new signage and is a different place.....

Shhhhhhhhh......

You want to know a secret?

For the last 6 months or so I have had a friendship thingy happening with someone.

Today, Thursday the 3rd of September, I am going to meet him, yes him, in the actual flesh, for the first time.

This is kind of a really big deal because he actually doesn't live here in Newcastle, or even Australia....

He lives in England.

Yesterday he got on a plane and is now winging his way right across the planet, to see me

Me!

Yep.....

How cool is that!

When I get back on Sunday I might even tell you his name.

Meanwhile, it is midnight here and I have a lot of freaking out to do.....

arghhhhhh

Sugar! Schweppes! Shit!........

Oh my deities!

It's Wednesday people!

The 2nd of September!!!

That means that TOMORROW is Thursday!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Must remember to breathe

Must remember to breathe

Must remember to breathe

I am not being very fair am I???

Too bad.......

I might tell you about it tomorrow....

.....or next week

Hmmmmmmmm....

I went to the 'Beauty Parlour' yesterday.....

I said to the woman to please tidy up my eyebrows, which were getting a little unruly as eyebrows do....

She said "Certainly madam"......

and proceeded to rip them both off my face!

I have no eyebrows!

Well, not much anyway....I feel NAKED.

Grrrrrrrrrr........

Waxing is very painful.....this is why I shave my legs. Which reminds me, better do that tonight.......

argh

More than 3 weeks without a ciggy now....even in the face of great adversity!

God, I am GOOD!!!!!

Tuesday has arrived now....

Well, this is it

Tuesday is now here......

Funnily enough it feels different

I feel different :)

Nothing else however, feels very different....yet

Am getting ready for month end

I got my beautiful Renee bracelet in the mail yesterday!

Marie at Art from my Heart made this and I won it!

It is gorgeous and I'm going to wear it everyday.

It reminds me constantly that life is too damn short not to be smiling!

Must away....I have lots to do!

Have a great Tuesday everyone and remember to smile!