Sunday, September 27, 2009

Truth on a Sunday then......

My truth?

Someone pointed out to me recently that she hadn't been hearing 'me' just lately....

well, maybe so, maybe so

I am in a funny place right now to be perfectly honest.

This blog is my place to be 'my' perfectly honest after all isn't it....

I am in a place where I have absolutely no idea what it is that I am, what it is that I actually am doing or what it is that I really want to be doing.

The trouble with living your life exclusively for other people for a while seems to be that you forget about you in there.

So, someone comes along and reminds you of you and you follow that for a while because it feels right but then that turns out to be not really right either, or anything like it, because really and truly, it was you you were looking for and at, not someone else at all and maybe that wasn't fair but if you didn't know, you didn't know, till you did.

So, here you a place you created, empty of everything but the bare fucking bones of the people you love who are dying and the other people you love who are dealing with that shit and what now people????

What now??

I am not happy.

I do not like working for these new people.

I think I will give them a month more of my time and then that will be that. I can think of approximately one trillion more thrilling things I can do with my time.......sweep up dust for example.

Seriously, that job, that office, this circumstance is killing my soul.

While I was doing it for her it was okay, a thing that had to be done.

Now, it is not.

I need something else.

But what?

Some days
the sadness
and leaves its mark
etched in tear stains
down my dust covered facade

this is my shame,
my reality
and I must live it true
this I was told
by a far greater power
than I

why do I argue
every time?


Daria said...

Michelle, don't do anything that is hurting your soul. You are such a creative person ... do something that inspires you ... life is too short not to.

Natalie said...


Lisa said...

your happiness is there mary, just there- waiting for you to see that you are perfect JUST AS YOU ARE enough to embrace it.
let yourself grieve the loss of a dream here, and revel in getting to know you NOW........
i love you
can you hear that xx

Lisa said...

btw- that paintin seriously has a fairy in the middle of it

nollyposh said...

...and this is the stuff of life (((hugs))) to you x

Michelle said...

Everything is hurting....I didn't realise I had so many fucking tears.

They just will not stop...and there is nothing to hold onto.

I will find something.

I will.

Cyndy said...

hang onto you. just you. and let it out. it has to happen. and you are still there......

love you xoxoxoxoxo

Cyndy said...

In the painting: a fairy? yes. or maybe it's the beautiful Michelle.


Bagman and Butler said...

Love the new painting!!!!

lakeviewer said...

Hi, I came in from Butler and Bagman. You're on to something; you must have pushed the button that said truthwhateverhappens button.

Marie S said...

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Anais Nin

This quote reminds me of you right now. It is like a bird dropping a shell on the rocks below to break it open. You are being cracked open and it is ok! Don't try to make it happen don't rush it, be present and observe the changes. You are perfect right here right now as you are and you do not have to do anything but watch. Sometimes life is like that, action, action, action, and then not, not, not, chew it, taste it, swallow it, digest it and then throw up all over the place.
Oh and paint!! anything, it doesn't matter. color washes, it doesn't matter.
You and life are ok!
Long distance love and hugs!!