Monday, September 21, 2009
Oh for friks sake.......where is the fairytale?
I have had occasion in the past few days, to observe myself and my observations are leaving me a little confused....
I see that I am dealing with everything and everybody in my life from 'arm's length', if that makes sense. I don't know when I started this, I suspect I have been doing it forever, or at least as long as I have not had any other 'crutch' to hold me up. I can handle anything as long as I can keep it at a 'safe' distance from me....energetically if nothing else.
This is interesting and I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not.
Maybe it's a necessary thing right now....or I would collapse under the sheer weight of expectation that hovers over my head?
I have also been a little cranky with the so called grown up people in my house, who insist they are grown up, yet leave me, the one with no time, the bulk of the work to do. Having gotten cranky about that to the point of making myself laugh and scaring other people away yesterday I can now see that I need to get cranky sometimes. And I am ........part of me is pretty damned mad. And actually, they do quite a bit, I am just cranky......see what a whirligig I live right now? I am cranky because I don't have the time to be doing the stuff I want to do not because my house has a layer of dog hair today and so on........
I bought myself a lawn mower and a whipper snipper this weekend. This means that I now can tell/ask my son nicely to mow my lawn, and if he doesn't, mow it myself. This is another break from the recent past. I realised yesterday that regardless of what relationship I have ever been in, except for the last one, I ALWAYS mowed my own lawn, did my own house repair/painting and stuff, did every damned thing actually (In the last one mowing the lawn got mixed up with giving a shit so we had to get rid of that....) so I don't know why this is feeling hard right now.
I am also wondering how I managed to make such a bloody martyr of myself?
Mum is off to Byron for a week or so today. I hope she has a nice time.