Monday, September 21, 2009

Oh for friks sake.......where is the fairytale?

I have had occasion in the past few days, to observe myself and my observations are leaving me a little confused....

I see that I am dealing with everything and everybody in my life from 'arm's length', if that makes sense. I don't know when I started this, I suspect I have been doing it forever, or at least as long as I have not had any other 'crutch' to hold me up. I can handle anything as long as I can keep it at a 'safe' distance from me....energetically if nothing else.

This is interesting and I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not.

Maybe it's a necessary thing right now....or I would collapse under the sheer weight of expectation that hovers over my head?

I have also been a little cranky with the so called grown up people in my house, who insist they are grown up, yet leave me, the one with no time, the bulk of the work to do. Having gotten cranky about that to the point of making myself laugh and scaring other people away yesterday I can now see that I need to get cranky sometimes. And I am ........part of me is pretty damned mad. And actually, they do quite a bit, I am just cranky......see what a whirligig I live right now? I am cranky because I don't have the time to be doing the stuff I want to do not because my house has a layer of dog hair today and so on........

I bought myself a lawn mower and a whipper snipper this weekend. This means that I now can tell/ask my son nicely to mow my lawn, and if he doesn't, mow it myself. This is another break from the recent past. I realised yesterday that regardless of what relationship I have ever been in, except for the last one, I ALWAYS mowed my own lawn, did my own house repair/painting and stuff, did every damned thing actually (In the last one mowing the lawn got mixed up with giving a shit so we had to get rid of that....) so I don't know why this is feeling hard right now.

I am also wondering how I managed to make such a bloody martyr of myself?


Mum is off to Byron for a week or so today. I hope she has a nice time.


Natalie said...

Sounds like a survival mechanism to me.
My experience is if i feel cranky and martyr -like, it usually means that things are out of balance, and I have let others are take advantage.

Ghost Dansing said...

fairies..... i know where they are Michelle!

Lisa said...

the wise boys are showing me bones- not the tv show but what i beleive to be arm bones- there are two of them, connected by a joint and i think you are that joint. hence the wear and tear on you constantly- the need to never stop- while your physical position ( as an elbow) places you right in the middle, you have no real control over what the other bones are doing and this makes you feel frustrated and yes, used .
the bone connected to your hand will alwasy use you as a base to do what it wnats where as the the bone connected to your shoulder will not. It is pure taurean energy- solid and unmovable, inflexible.
fairytale ?
when fantasy clashes into reality, thats the fairytale- there are no written rules that say it has to be wonderful..............

yes the wise boys are talking up a storm god help me !!

Strawberry Girl said...

Hmmm, already feeling some of what you describe here. Can totally relate to doing everything myself. Yes, arms length, that is what I am doing to some people, it is a necessity in some ways, in some ways a curse. Plus I can't believe how many family members that have not had any interest in me what so ever for years are now dying to hear all about things... ah, sorry for the mini rant... ((Hugs))


Sarah Lulu said...

Dare you to stop thinking and simply feel for a while.

christopher said...

The Bachelor's Musing

There's no one to blame
since I live alone (the cat
died) and so dirty
dishes and floors stay
that way unless I do them.

I think to hunt down
a woman then think
again. While I like the love,
I don't like the chores.

Michelle said...

Thank you Ghost.

Christopher, I'd like the love anyway. The chores go on regardless.


Cyndy said...

Oh Arty Farty, I can relate to the household thing. The whole time that I lived away last year, no-one ever dusted or cleaned the bathrooms/toilets, except me when I was around. But it really isn't so much about the fact that it doesn't get done, but more about the fact that no-one else ever thinks about the need for it to be done: it's taken for granted that YOU will do it, at some time. Unfortunately, it's a behaviour that ics common in young... ahem... adults. I call it Selective Domestic Blindness.

And yes, "arm's length" is a protective mechanism, but right now, you need it.

And the mowing: the girls could do it too, or set them & the nice boy to work in the house, and blow off some steam in your yard yourself. Mowing is one of those rare tasks that gives instant aesthetic benefits, as well as a physical workout.

Keep doing what you're doing, it's working. And the crankies are to be expected.....

nollyposh said...

i feel your pain and know it well X:-/

linda said...

darling, hoping life eases up a bit for you... you are sounding about as frazzled as anyone needs to be or deserves to be...glad mum is off for a week, giving you a bit of a rest...TAKE ONE! :)