ohhhhh.....groan

It's month end today

Hopefully the last one I will ever experience in quite this way again!

I am soooo tired I think I could sleep for a week

My eyes hurt.....

on the other hand

IT'S MONTH END TODAY!!!

And it's August tomorrow

this is a very good thing indeed

yay

Breathe deep and do nothing......

Last night I remembered to let go and let it be

Then I had a long hot bath and relaxed

Then I painted my poor toenails..........purple, just because I could

And I had a cool convo with someone I care about that isn't my mother or my kid

Today I feel better

As you do when you stop and realise there are some things you cannot force, change or even understand and that's okay too....

I didn't shave my legs :)

I'll do that next month.....ewwwwwwww




Later......

OH MY GOD!

IT'S DONE, THE BUSINESS IS CHANGING HANDS ON SATURDAY!!!!!!!

WOOFARKINGHOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So.....

My day in point form

• woke up
• no internet
• rang phone company who had cut off my internet because I owed them $50....turns out they owe me $40 but hey, I have to pay first........fine, I pay, I need my internet
• internet goes back
• phone gets cut off
• spend 240000 hours on phone abusing phone company, don't they know I don't have a real life?
• Come to office to find I can't open the database! This is not good...
• Freak out severely for 2 minutes
• Ring disappearing database company, go on hold, answer phone call which jams up all phonelines requiring me to go pull every line out of every phone so I can use phones, ring database company again, go on hold, get talked through making database appear from hiding place where databases go.......fine....quickly back up system 17 times to make sure nothing is lost if database explodes overnight.....
• Spend another 12000 hours on the phone to business buyers, mpthers and various miscellaneous knobs trying to get things happening with varying degrees of success
• Speak to people regarding mothers constant headache and get head scan sorted for Monday as well as all the rest of it
• Look at piles of files and banking and leases and stuff waiting to be done
• go and buy a pie and a chocolate eclair and stuff face whilst inhaling 14 cups of coffee
• Get job offer for Shelli in take away food place and say "oh great" whilst thinking "Shelli and hot oil and WORK?????"
• Look some more at files everywhere and sigh loudly
• Make more coffee
• Look at this list and wonder why it seemed so bad, it's not such a long list.......scrabble in bag for valium that may have fallen to the bottom......
  

It is 3.34 pm..............

Get me out of here!

sob....

I am having the most ridiculously insane day of my life!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Will be back, if I have a phone, or an internet or an intact mind, some point later on

frikfrikfrik

Thrilling, my life is thrilling....

Not.

Today I am a Tribunal and am making numerous calls to kick this sale in the backside.

I am also washing my mouth out with soap and reminding myself that just because I think it doesn't mean I have to say it.....but there is something so satisfying about the F word......sigh

Mum seems a bit better this morning, some morpheine seems to have helped with the breathing during the night and she slept quite well......and my sister is flying down tonight so she will have someone with her while I do the rest of this crap. I feel better with her not alone. We really won't know what's going on till the CT scan is done on Monday next week and we've seen the doctor on Thursday for the results. I'm not going to give it any more energy till then, aside from the looking after stuff. I know what's likely, and I can deal with it, but this sale MUST be done ASAP, so that's what I'm doing. And I can now, because Cherie is coming.

So, good.

That's where it's all at today....

I'm off to keep doing it.

WTF?

Well, I am having an interesting day

My email is dead....

Both of them???

Anyone else having issues with hotmail or yahoo???

Or are there ghosties having fun with me?

Argggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

Have been talking to palliative care today

They have scared the living crapper out of me by telling me that mums symptoms are typical of active on the move kill you pretty soon probably lung cancer, not the flu, and that chemo rarely works in a case like this......I am torn between thinking 'well, I knew that' and 'what the hell do you know'....

I am strangely calm

Must be the whole crisis response thing

We now have an oxygen machine, a toilet chair, a shower chair and a wheelchair at mums house

And she sits there crankily and insists she has a cold and orders a carton of fags, some cough medicine and some zinc and echinacea capsules............

If it didn't feel so weird I'd laugh my fucking head off!

Moandayitis....

I wont really inflict you with my whining today

Suffice it to say I am tired

Very very tired

I would like to sleep for a few days kind of tired

But that's okay

Mum came home yesterday

Bloods are on the improve

Hopefully they will stay that way

It's almost the end of the month

The sale has stalled due to all this crap and I am mighty sick of not knowing what's going on

So...

What else is new :)

Today I will just do the next bit and see where it takes me

back to bed I hope......

Sunday

Just a quicky....

Mum has been admitted to hospital with an HB blood count of 53 (should be 123), a platelet count of 6 and a nutrifill (infection fighters) count of 2.......no wonder she's been sick

So, three units of blood in a single room later hopefully she will start to feel a bit better today

I took one look at her yesterday morning and took her straight to emergency.....I really think that had it been left till today, well, lets not go there......

For her to be feeling glad to be in hospital means she was scared too.

Anyhow...I'm off to do something here before I am doing something there

Have a good Sunday people

Remember gratitude!

Just for today I will be grateful for people who give blood.

Update on stuff....

Thank you for your concern yesterday friends

As always, today is a new day

As happened, we didn't end up at the hospital, although they wanted her there for sure. The care coordinator said that when ones blood levels drop too low, as hers most likely have, it can cause all sorts of scary shit, like heart failure and organ shut down....

She looks terrible, feels terrible and also refused to go anywhere yesterday because she couldn't see the damn point of sitting around for 6 hours waiting for stuff to happen when she felt so bad.....sigh

Anyway, long story short, the office will not be open today, first thing this morning we are into town to the doctors for a referral for bloods, then to pathology for bloods, than to the hospital emergency room for a transfer to a bed for some new blood, and what ever else she needs right now.

Me, I am okay, I just get so frustrated with the whole thing sometimes, her especially some days, when you now what needs to be done and she will not let you do it, so of course, we end up here, when it could have been done days ago much more comfortably.

But that's my mum for you........never easy :)

I probably got it from her.

grrrrrr

The world feels very quiet today......

My mother needs to go to hospital, she is very sick with this whatever it is

I think she needs a blood transfusion

She thinks she's not going anywhere

I think she will fall over soon and then the ambulance might take her to hospital

I also think that sick people should be able to get a blood test in their own home if they can't move out of their own way, and that even this hole should have a doctor who does home visits when one lives 50 minutes away from the hospital


AND that care co ordinators should check their messages every hour or so instead of leaving sick people's carers hanging all day long not knowing what to do......

That's what I think

but what the fuck would I know

grrrrrr

On my mind on a Thursday....

Well, here I am, it's Thursday again, almost the end of July, another month nearly gone. Bring on September......

God, I am feeling in such a reflective, in touch and very emotional place right now. It's kind of like a light has been turned on after a few years of dimness, and I can see again, you know?

I feel so wide open and ......oh, I don't know, shiny I guess. In the midst of all this tired....

Not in any one way, in general. These past, probably three years, I have felt that I am running on 'wait'...that something has been coming, something huge, and I was just waiting. This year or so just gone has been the ending of the wait, that's what it's felt like, and this now, this is the bit I have been waiting for......almost, it's almost here. I can taste it!

So, I feel that this is why the 'purge' is happening now, a final spinning sweep, a showing of where the dirt still lies....for me anyway, and for so many I know, including some who are very close to me.

I have been existing in a state of trust too. So weird for me, who had a major life lesson of trust to learn, to be able to just sit in this energy and not force the issue, unable in fact, to force the issue, any damn issue, for so long, and still unable to do so, but not wanting to either. Just being able to sit and trust that it's okay, that it will be okay, to let the universe lead me around by the nose and to not feel huge fear over it is amazing. Just amazing. That's not to say I don't feel any fear, because I do, most certainly, but it is not crippling me, you know?

And even though these circumstances are far from perfect, and the shit keeps on keeping on, it doesn't matter, really, because it's not actually MINE, it's just me, helping others to deal with theirs. I hope this makes sense to someone. If not, well, I know what I mean :)

Anyway, the point of it all is just this, I am here, today, feeling all sorts of stuff....FEELING it! And liking it too. ALL of the feelings...the ones I ran from for years too........

The poetry, or writing, I don't know what to call it, I have never had any education about such stuff, has been a reflection I guess, of where I've been , where I am, who I've loved, who has loved me....that stuff. And I'm not done with it, but this where I'm at. Today.

Which is all I have.

So, I feel like I am in a good place, a healthy place and I look forward, even to that which I dread.

Today I have on my red boots, with the holes in the sides from being worn well, and maybe, if I clicked my heels they'd take me somewhere......



On to a different note

Mum is apparently feeling a bit better today, this is good.....

and

I have been given some stuff I'd like to share......



The new Stroke of the Brush Award, which was created by blogger kj in honor of her two blogger friends, Soulbrush and Snowbrush.The Stroke of the Brush Award "recognizes and celebrates the willingness to take risks, speak honestly, act with integrity, and in the process create and share colors and/or words that stroke our curiosity and brush aside our differences."

The lovely Audrey has gifted me with these two awards.....

I don't know Ki or Soulbrush, but I do know Snowbrush, he keeps you on your toes for sure!

Passing this one along to Annie, Barry, my John, Bagman and Butler of course and also to Lisa, whether she wants it or not.

You guys all have something to say and a lovely way of saying it to me, and I assume to others too.

My taste is pretty good :)

And, because I am a spoiled brat, I even got two!



”These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers, photographers poets, humourists and smart a**es.

This one is for all of you.......I don't know anyone who isn't the occasional smart arse, thank god, and every single person who bothers to come here and leave a comment, have an opinion (which is of course you're own business) makes my day, so please know that.

Malcolm's song....

I last saw you
frowning and angry
with the whole world
flicking those damned elastic bands
and I wish now
I had made you smile
just one more time
but then
I thought we had forever
to sort it out
to grow up
to become friends
instead of that
you went and died
and I was left with this echo of you
that still sounds somewhere in my soul
through all of this time past
and I hope you know
where it is you are
that
I loved you
as best as I could
for a trouble child
that the gift you left me
this girl we made
is beautiful
like we were once
in all of our ignorant
innocence




I know I said no more today, but hey
it's my blog :)
Read below for a real post....

Hellooooo

I will not inflict any poetry on you today I promise!

I have been having a very reflective and emotional few days

which I probably needed to have, anyway, I feel better now.

Seems like this time now is for purging of old stuff, to make way for new stuff.

I have some really terrible and also really cool stuff going on in my life lately, and though I'm not ready to share it just now, I will tell you that it has me spun. Totally spun.

My mother is a sick puppy this week. Her blood levels were very low when they did the last chemo last Friday, so she has copped the full horror of chemo this week, mouth ulcers, chest crap, nausea galore and swollen throat etc.....poor little mum. Hopefully she will start to feel a bit better now that some time has passed. The sale of this place is in stall mode at the moment and nothing much feels like it's moving.....though it is undoubtedly.

The girls are okay, Shelli has been pretty good lately, no cutting and she is getting stronger, even if she doesnt feel it some days. I am very proud of her. My Kayla is cranky with me for being impatient and short tempered, so therefore she is making me worse and we are banging heads a little, but that's okay, I love her anyway and I'm almost sure she still loves me.....

My dog has even been good and not done anything too drastic recently, mind you its school holidays and he has constant adoration so why would he...still, its peaceful.

I have done a little painting, written a little poetry and done a whole lot of thinking and feeling.

Yesterday I was so disconnected from myself, my life, my 'connection'.....and when I wrote that last piece, it was really referring to my relationship with my kid's dad, not something I want to tell the world about today, but very damaging and not a nice place to touch, even with the amount of work I've done on me and the distance between then and now.....I still pay for that one.....and it doesn't seem fair, y'know?

Anyway, that's me for today....still kicking along, still smiling mostly, still living, loving and learning....

What more can I do??

Maybe some filing

*grin*

Off The Beaten Track....

I remember
when he begged me to show him
who he really was
I told him I can't do that
I'm still finding myself
so he made me
who he thought he needed
and I just went along for the ride
the wild wild ride
that turned out to be
the last place I ever wanted to be
as it does
when you don't buy your own ticket
and you're just a passenger in your own life
this time I'll drive my own train
and I have painted on the rails
a track to somewhere
not written in bloody code upon my arm
a journey of my own choosing
to where I want to be
with whom I wish to travel
my suitcase laying empty at my feet
the story of me is guided now
by my own pen
and maybe
if you want me to
I will sign your page
and you wont ever forget
I have been there






Guess I'm in that kind of place this week people.....
life goes on relentlessly

A new day.....

I laugh
while sweeping peppercorns
into the corners
and the thought of you
sends me spinning
yet again

Possibilities never shone so brightly
as they sparkle over the water
weaving a pathway
through a swirly blue sky
riding a comet and a raindrop
to find you

I cried for all the lonely nights
written on your page
yet perversely found gratitude
that you were waiting
while I painted this dream
of a time we may once have had

oh please
do not let me wake to find
you were only a wish I had made
in a moment of startling clarity
that faded through this night...
that you were never real

I do not pray for miracles
that illusion holds no rhythm in my dance
I simply long to live the tune
of a gently playing song
so I listen very carefully
expecting I can get the words just right

I paint the dream I had last night
laughter welling gently through my tears
I paint while dancing slowly
around the corners of my life
singing softly, all the while
I sweep these peppercorns away

Don't pray for me.....

sometimes
the rain on my face
reminds me of you
and all the tears I never cried
only to be blown away in a fragment
of a convoluted prayer
that someone else was praying


and I wonder
just how much
of me got caught up in you
and what it was you wanted
when you said it was me
what you did when I went away
and left you there


the rain falls gently on my face
washing you away
giving me back
to myself
free
to give myself again
and pray my own prayer

Fly day....

You know when you get a day every now and again

A day when anything seems possible?

I am having one of those days today

I quite like it too :)

I have probably sold another house....*smug grin*

I am currently working my way through a mountain of files and landlords, getting organised for the 'take over' which should be in a couple of weeks

Today is mum's last chemo......bittersweet really, she has been pretty sick this week

Yep, my life is full

My heart is full

My house is full too....of weird ass teenage girls (see pic)

Teenage girls who like to walk in the rain at night with out umbrella's (of which I have none, all dead) but who obviously don't like to get their 'do's' wet.......

The sun is out, in between rainfalls...(some of which have been almost like sleet)

It is snowing somewhere close and bloody freezing cold...

Life is about as good as it gets for this now......

and is about to get very different too

How exciting!

argh

I found this quote on Diane's blog and I like it so much I have stolen it

There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do...

Freya Stark

Too bloody true!

Just Stuff....

I've been thinking again

yes

be afraid

A topic of thought of mine this week has been abuse

and the ripple effects of abuse

and the difficulty of escaping it

and sometimes even seeing it for what it is

and how people use things to hold power over other people

and how if you love someone

really really love someone

from your heart

you could never do that to them

Mostly, in my experience, abuse stems from fear

The abuser, in a convoluted way, uses the abuse to hang on to the thing they believe they love/want/need/own.

Ownership is definitely an issue too.

Trouble is you can't own people, or make them love you by force, coercion, submission or will.......if someone tells you what you want to hear because they are afraid of you, well, how much bullshit is that?

Only when the abused step away from this, do they see it for what it is, not an expression of love or need, but a statement of ownership.

And shame, good old shame, I lived with that demon for a long time....

Shame is a cyclic thing. The abused feels shame for allowing the abuse. The abuser feels shame for perpetrating the abuse. They both usually manage to create a cycle in which each of them makes excuses for the abuser, so each of them can stay the same without having to do the scary change thing......

....and yeah

Nothing changes if nothing changes.....

and that's a choice that adults can make for themselves, but who else suffers??

The children of course....

those who have no choice

but to grow up in the cycle

to believe that it's normal

and go out and do it all over again

to be stuck in it forever

or to grow up and out of it

Change........ just how scary is it really??

Isn't staying the same just as frightening??

When you get to that point, where you are wondering what the hell the point is....

Change......that's where it happens

All a choice.....

Truth!

Anyway, enough of that now

I have been slack on the blog front this week

Sorry :)

Life has been a tad intense

Trying to wind up the business stuff and selling a few houses has been time consuming for me

Just being has been time consuming also

It's school holidays and my house is a wreck

This will be time consuming eventually but I'm trying not to think about it right now.......grrr

I have been doing the do, getting stuff done, but my mind is elsewhere really

Am struggling with the no smoking a bit these past few days

but I will get better.....

I am stronger than that, I know

Getting there.....

sigh

The run around....

A new pet....Spanish I believe, turns up in strange places

I have been a slack ass blogger I know

However, I have good reasons

Mainly that I've been selling lots of houses

and all the stuff that comes with that....

guess the universe is sending us out with a bang!

frik

and also I have been at mums quite a bit

My sister is here and chemo was Friday

I dunno whats what with these steroids but I'm glad this Friday is it for them!

Seems gin rummy is the order of the day and I have lost a lot at it

Except for when I kicked ass :)

So, you see there isn't much to blog about

even though I haven't had time to breath

Today I am a day off!

Which will firstly see me in the office at 7.30am getting a sale away....blerk

before going to the hairdressers to get ungreyed and then to lunch

woo hoo

I promise I will blog something worth reading soon...

(famous last words)

and if I've missed something important of yours.....

well, I'll be there asap

aarrghhhhh

I will blog later!

I am very very busy making a fortune for someone else :)

Too damn cool for school.......

Saturday Schmatterday.....

My Shelli (aged 9)....always a fairy :)

You know it's Saturday

and I am a high powered house selling machiiiiiinnnnnnne........

today

ahem

Well, I am!

I

also

wish

I

was

in England

I hear its quite warm there right now :)

Freaky Friday....

Last night I was a headache

Today I have a headache

Tomorrow........

well who knows what tomorrow will bring

as long as its not a headache, right

Sister arrived last night

so she is doing chemo with mum today

and I am here in this farking office again

still

Today I am feeling a little silly

and very very tired

In fact, I am so tired I am almost delirious

But its day 5 people, or is it 6???

I have lost track....

and I STILL haven't actually maimed or killed anyone

ex is coming today though :)

hee heeh hee

yeah....

Some days the truth just burns.....

There are times in my life, hopefully every damn day, that I can be quite naive

I actually like it like that you know....

If I ever wake up one day and the world looks like a place where everything is shrouded in a cloud of cynicism and my internal self says "oh nothing new will ever happen to you my girl, there are no miracles here...." well, guess that's the day I'd like to get off this planet....

I like the way that a part of me can still expect great things

Can still look for the magic in the mundane

Can still believe in fairies.....

I find myself looking at these people who claim to know me better than I know myself, this family of mine who have somehow managed to witness my life and yet not actually see much of it at all. Who still look at me and expect the same me from 20 years ago to pop out of hiding and this me (who must be an illusion!) to disappear into the world of false Michelle's......

This me couldn't possibly cope with all this stuff......nooooooooooo

Well, excuse me.......

What the fuck is it I am doing here then?????

Save me the she can't handle it jazz, just bring it on and get it over with already!

Lets get some real in here shall we.....

pft!

'round here.....

Here's a funny pic a friend sent me....that must be me!

Day four.....still going okay :)

Not that I don't have an insane craving every now and then......but I'm dealing with it

Mum update?

I was hoping she'd have a good week this week

But she seems to be not feeling so good, breathless and blah......

Most likely low blood count again.....

Will know more about that on Friday when she starts the last cycle of chemo....

I won at the Trubunal....this does not make me feel good. Kicking single mothers of four out is like kicking myself out 15 years ago......still, I guess I get to experience it from both ends in one lifetime.....seems fair I suppose, in a warped crazy kinda way

My new lounge gets delivered today :)

I'm.....well...I'm okay really

Some days I'm better than others

Mostly I'm just me, coping as best I can, finding joy in the little stuff, enjoying my small miracles and loving the freedom I have to just be me right now....

There's some stuff I really want that I can't have yet

Mostly I'm cool with waiting....

Mostly

who's counting???

This surely must be going into my 3rd day without a cig!

It's really only nearly two if you count it in hours

not that Im counting

much

It's actually not that bad, in general, though evenings are a little wild..........

Just ask anyone who lives with me...

*grin*

Today I am a Tribunal and a doctors and a wet soggy rained on type grumpy person

Still, I bet there's a rainbow up there somewhere!

I can see it just behind that cloud........

siiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

Pants on fire............

Remember how I said she was the easy child????

I LIED!!!!!

Look what she came home with today

I got so mad I shook

then decided I didn't need that

or a ciggy

so

I am laughing my ass off instead because

she can't eat!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Yesterday....

Yesterday I went and bought a new lounge

a blue lounge

(I figure I wont have blue carpet forever and a good excuse to go rug shopping)

Yesterday afternoon I also had my last ciggie...

I haven't killed anyone yet

I figure I've stretched this procrastination about as far as I can without breaking it

Being a good addict and all

In my logical female mind, the money I save here will pay for my new lounge......

*grin*

but really, I don't need an excuse

Just gotta do it

argh

A Note for Kayla....

This morning I just want to say hello to my Kayla.....

Sometimes, okay, most of the time, I forget to mention her here

This is because she is my easy child, has been since she was a little baby

My Kayla is a warm hearted (well, sometimes she's a bitch) and loving girl who makes me glad to be a mother....

I love all my kids, but I really LIKE Kayla.

She is gorgeous.

And funny!

She makes me laugh every day and I don't remember to tell her how precious a laugh is some days around here......

She is a shiny light in my life, that kid

and I just want her to know that

Here, where everyone can see......

including her......

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I am furious

absolutely f*#king see red furious

I looked around me this morning

and saw the mess I was sitting in

and lost the plot!

I am sick of it

sick of living in someone elses mess

sick of cleaning up other peoples messes

time to learn to deal people

I am out of it

cords are hereby CUT

energetically, I am MINE

as for physical mess

that goes this weekend

as for left over ex mess

that goes this weekend

all out of my space, all of it

as for stupid bastard wallet eating dog mess......

training collar where art thou

as for teenagers with loose hair, slack fingers and no cleaning eyes

WATCH OUT

I didn't make this mess

but I am about to f#@king well clean it up

Over it

Over it

OVER ITTTTTTTTTTTT

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Found again

When I was empty
all those years
right up
until
a minute or so
ago
thought I needed
a thing or two
someone
something
a bit of good advice
tripping in a bathtub
shooting lines
to me
searching
for the icing on my cake
such a time
drowning
my way slowly
to the bottom
of a bottle
was it only
yesterday
I looked inside
to find the way
back home
saw the strangest question
that I didn't need to ask
saw the front
behind myself
paths turning
back to here
roads travelled
turn to dust
I'm actually here...
shake my head in disbelief
pinch me
am I real?
the one that
I was searching for
put simply
was that
me?

Mayhem ......naturally

Month end went ok.....

right up till the time it was to send all the money away on the dial up banking line

which then saw me crawling around on the floor trying to figure out why the connection wouldn't work....

following phonelines here there and everywhere

on my hands and knees

only to find

the dog had eaten the cord..yep...in bits.......but which bits????

Which necessitated me crawling around on all fours for another hour trying to locate which line connected to what line and then trying to find appropriate spare lines to replace broken chewed one and .....

then me driving like a demon to the hardware store to purchase said lines that we didn't have

I am going to kill the dog

and myself!

argh

On a brighter note......

I have sorted out why I am out of sorts....

Go read here if you like, makes perfect sense to me, on top of Robert Young's words the other night and what my own intuition has been trying to tell my non listening self...

I must stay out of my own way!

No doubts

None

Mum is feeling pretty good this past few days and a longer break between chemos should see her having a good week. My brother, Alan, is coming to visit on Thursday, for a week, which will be nice......then my sister will be down for a week after that......cool!

One of the other people who made an offer for the business may yet be coming back with another one to at least match the one we have...this is good, safety in numbers and may even be better in that we like them better :)

I feel like I will be prostituted into being part of a contract with this buyer and I don't much like it.......I will deal but still....grrrr

Anyway......what must be done must be done sometimes

And if that's all there is to it....well okay

but

I'm not closing any doors

:)