Thursday, July 16, 2009

Just Stuff....

I've been thinking again


be afraid

A topic of thought of mine this week has been abuse

and the ripple effects of abuse

and the difficulty of escaping it

and sometimes even seeing it for what it is

and how people use things to hold power over other people

and how if you love someone

really really love someone

from your heart

you could never do that to them

Mostly, in my experience, abuse stems from fear

The abuser, in a convoluted way, uses the abuse to hang on to the thing they believe they love/want/need/own.

Ownership is definitely an issue too.

Trouble is you can't own people, or make them love you by force, coercion, submission or will.......if someone tells you what you want to hear because they are afraid of you, well, how much bullshit is that?

Only when the abused step away from this, do they see it for what it is, not an expression of love or need, but a statement of ownership.

And shame, good old shame, I lived with that demon for a long time....

Shame is a cyclic thing. The abused feels shame for allowing the abuse. The abuser feels shame for perpetrating the abuse. They both usually manage to create a cycle in which each of them makes excuses for the abuser, so each of them can stay the same without having to do the scary change thing......

....and yeah

Nothing changes if nothing changes.....

and that's a choice that adults can make for themselves, but who else suffers??

The children of course....

those who have no choice

but to grow up in the cycle

to believe that it's normal

and go out and do it all over again

to be stuck in it forever

or to grow up and out of it

Change........ just how scary is it really??

Isn't staying the same just as frightening??

When you get to that point, where you are wondering what the hell the point is....

Change......that's where it happens

All a choice.....


Anyway, enough of that now

I have been slack on the blog front this week

Sorry :)

Life has been a tad intense

Trying to wind up the business stuff and selling a few houses has been time consuming for me

Just being has been time consuming also

It's school holidays and my house is a wreck

This will be time consuming eventually but I'm trying not to think about it right now.......grrr

I have been doing the do, getting stuff done, but my mind is elsewhere really

Am struggling with the no smoking a bit these past few days

but I will get better.....

I am stronger than that, I know

Getting there.....



christopher said...


In order to get to real choice in realms like this probably takes a process something like AA's process where you and I give up and recognize a curious form of powerlessness, an emptiness in order to let the real power flow in from whereever it comes. This real power does not really belong to you and I but is granted, much like school grants.

Then the trap (in this case the abuse) can be unstrung and with courage the abused can step free. This is as you already know not easy.

I am sorry you know so much about this. What a waste.

Loving you.

Michelle said...

A lifetime of learning Christopher, still, shit happens, as they say :)

Cyndy said...

As shit always will. I'm not sure what you've got to apologise for on the blogfront. It's not supposed to be a task that thou shalt fulfil every day...... It's for YOU....


Lisa said...

i don't feel shame about me, i just feel that with some people i cannot be myself because i cause them embarressment or some such. My sister Sharon is one, she just doesn't want to see me as I am.

I know you carry a lot of guilt weight about certain aspects of your life but now is really all that matters and now you are just a wonderful, perfect heroine of mine.

i love you not in spite of your ( our ) shitty pasts, but because of them- we are magical women these days dear shell bellxx

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I think some people in abusive relationships truly believe they can *change* the abuser by showing them love. Nope. Some victims of abuse stay because they're too scared to go (threatened with death or whatever if they leave). It is a horrible vicious cycle and I wish no one had to live that.

Michelle said...

Yes we are maryme, yes we are


Bogey said...

I have come to believe that abusers are nothing more than cowards trying to dominate anybody they can exert their power on. They come in all guises, shapes and sizes exerting a power that is often not theirs to begin with. Sometimes people can be abusive without saying anything at all and I find Mental abusers the most wicked of them all. I have no doubt you are going to come out on top of this in the end. What you are trying to accomplish at this moment while trying to quit smoking at the same time speaks volumes. The question is, when it is all said and done, are you ever going to believe there was any doubt to begin with and will you allow yourself the release to accept it?

Strawberry Girl said...

I agree with Cydny, the blogs for you, we'll stick around even if you can't post.

You spoke a great deal of Truth in this post, glad to hear it girl.



Michelle said...

Thanks Annie.

Bogey, I will often post stuff that I have been thinking about as it relates to my past.....key word being past here :) There is no way I would not recognise abuse these days, nor would I tolerate it either.

I'm not beating me up about smoking, I am well aware of the pitfalls of that, and I while I sometimes doubt me, its not for long. That's why I blog this stuff, not to whinge, but to share the fact that there is another side to it all, if you dare to allow change. I like myself now, I like my life, in spite of the difficulties amd I like you too, for caring.