Monday, July 27, 2009

WTF?

Well, I am having an interesting day

My email is dead....

Both of them???

Anyone else having issues with hotmail or yahoo???

Or are there ghosties having fun with me?

Argggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

Have been talking to palliative care today

They have scared the living crapper out of me by telling me that mums symptoms are typical of active on the move kill you pretty soon probably lung cancer, not the flu, and that chemo rarely works in a case like this......I am torn between thinking 'well, I knew that' and 'what the hell do you know'....

I am strangely calm

Must be the whole crisis response thing

We now have an oxygen machine, a toilet chair, a shower chair and a wheelchair at mums house

And she sits there crankily and insists she has a cold and orders a carton of fags, some cough medicine and some zinc and echinacea capsules............

If it didn't feel so weird I'd laugh my fucking head off!



11 comments:

Natalie said...

yes, it is quite bizarre in context of what has been happening. Denial,denial...poor Sandra must be so frightened.I feel for you both.

I have gmail and it was wobbly for a few days, but good today.

Calm, but bizarrely laughing here too. Weird head space for sure.
Love you too.xx♥

wykd wytch said...

I guess they are HER last days and if she wants to smoke to the very end, knowing that it is only making things come around sooner than later, that is her choice...not easy for you to sit and watch cause you have to pick up all the shit left behind....like watching a train wreck...horrible...we all react in different ways...I have been very angry especially left with all the mess in the house to do and my dear brother wiping his hands of any work to be done...there is always one in the family isnt there.w.w.

Sarah Lulu said...

Endings are nearly always very messy ...moving from one house to another or life ...to another...

I'm so impressed by your ability to feel how you feel and be so raw ...

It's something your Mum hasn't learnt you know? She's running scared and doing what she can to ignore it...

My gmail and yahoo have been ok ..

You are a star.

Yes you are.

Kerry said...

don't know what to say, so am sitting her sending you so much love, a huge hug, and letting you know if there is anything i can do for you, you just have to ask.

All my love.

MWAH!!!

Lisa said...

respect her wishes my friend- anything you can do to make her more comfortable.
no problems with hotmail for me though
sending love and support
your poor mum xxx

Cyndy said...

Well, the fags, zinc n echinacea and cough medicine won't do your Mum any harm, and can be used in conjunction with the oxygen concentrator (I wouldn't advise lighting up while attatched, though) and assorted "chairs". Increased oxygen in her system will give her a bit more energy, but will work better when her haemoglobin levels increase: all the extra oxygen in the world won't help if there are no little bits of the cells to carry the oxygen bits around.

Fear & denial are hard to manage, but so common for people in your situation (I hate that term: it's so impersonal). Tenacity & stubborn-ness can be an asset, but then again, things can be easier if there is acceptance & peace. Hopefully, your mum will get to that point.

At least you have been reaching out to keep the ball rolling: don't forget that you need to not put yourself on hold and utilise counselling where possible, even though you've been doing such a great job at keeping all your balls in the air.

Love to you, Michelle. Please feel free to contact me anytime.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Chrisy said...

I'm just awe of you Michelle...your ability to share so openly...hope everything settles down at least for a few days so you can catch your breath...

John said...

Just ripples ~~~~~~~

I promise I'll bring the tide later

Strawberry Girl said...

Ouch!! When your going through hell, keep on going...

((Hugs))

~Annie

Kathryn Magendie said...

I can relate to the surreal feeling you may be having - I had that when my brother was having another heart attack, this time while I was at his house - I was so calm and even a little irritated - thinking "huhn, he's not having a heart attack - he is not ..uh uh...."

And, stress sometimes shows up in strange ways in our bodies and behaviors - you and your mum's ....

oh so much swirls around us, doesn' it? around and in and through us.

(no issues with hotmail and my followers mysteriously appeared)

Jewell said...

sending love your way hugsxxxx