Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Eyes wide open.....



6 am here in the land of me and mine

It's a bit damp out there and the birds are singing away furiously

I am feeling a little bit good :)

Last night I went to meeting and it was pretty confronting. Not because of anything that was said really, just because of people. The rumours should be flying thick and fast by now.....

I have seen and told my ex this week, just so he won't get a rude shock, that I am seeing someone he knows......end of my responsibility there I think.

My old sponsor was at the meeting last night too. That was interesting and bought up a few rude feelings as well. I think I need to have it out with her, in some way, shape or form. I want her to know that I know exactly who she is and that she needn't think I forget. Then maybe I can forgive. Maybe it shouldn't work like that but you know what, I don't care. I have been walked all over for the last time in this life.

There are aspects of my life today that need letting go of. Aspects of myself that I have been worrying about. Like where my head can take me if I allow it full rein. This year has proven to me that that can be scary stuff. Only because it is so very not real at times you know. And I want real. I need it.

It can be hard, when I am interacting with another person, for me not to buy into their view to the exclusion of mine. I need to remember that too.

I need to remember that I, just as I AM, am plenty good enough for anything or anyone.

Anything at all.

I have also been encouraged to think about the future just lately, the future after this bit, and that has been strange too. To really realise that this will end one of these days and that there are all sorts of possibilties out there......that this particular existance is not all I have to look forward to, because some days it feels like this is all there is. And while I need to stay in the day and be present for this, I don't like feeling trapped in someone elses nightmare. So, yeah, that is interesting too.

I am really going to work on that somehow. The feeling trapped thing. I realised when I was sharing last night that I haven't really been coming from my heart with this stuff for a little while now. And that is why I feel off balance and not centered so often. I came here to do this 'job' and I would really love to be doing it the best I can. I actually am doing it physically as best I can usually, but my head is a whole different story as you people well know. I don't like that about me right now.
I also don't know how to make it different. Am I supposed to just willingly give up any selfishness and hand every waking moment over to the care of others? Do I not go anywhere or do anything exclusively for me? Or is it just about attitiude? I am fucked if I know somedays. Yet there are other days when it is all just fine and I forgive myself for having one foot out the door half the time. This is not easy and I just want to be able to say, one day, that I did it well.
And to know it in my heart.
But my heart struggles somedays.
So, I dunno......

On other fronts, I am enjoying a certain someone in my life right now. Somehow I need to juggle that into all of this as well, because I like it, I really really like it. A lot. It feels real and right and good, so far, and that is a bit strange too, for various reasons that just don't seem to matter.

Ahhhh, I don't know.....I really do not know anything much at all right now.

I'm just doing one day at a time.....it's all I've got that makes sense some days :)

Have a good one peeps. I will.....


I stand here
very still
aching
willing you
to
touch me

when you do
my skin laughs

I would drown there
gladly

I need to watch that :)


6 comments:

Natalie said...

Staying put, and caring for everyone else exclusively, makes you resentful,tired,sick and out of touch with who you are. People with a shaky sense of self, especially.

(I am speaking from my personal experience of this, though.)

The key is balance, and you seem to have that covered.
Glad your friend is making you smile.xx♥

nollyposh said...

Movin' in tha right direction i recon x

Jen said...

xoxo
:)

Lisa said...

sounds good to me- as long as you are happy

Jac said...

Wonderful, and sounding so peaceful Chelle :)

And I LOVE that picture! Classic!

xxxxxxx

Snowbrush said...

A snail cartoon! I will send a link to Mrs Slug.

Good luck with that one day at a time thingy.