Tuesday, December 08, 2009

inside and out

I had a lovely morning with my friends eating brekky and drinking lots of coffees

Then I had to go to the maul and shop for Christmas.....I got a park in 5 minutes and wandered around the' not all that busy considering its Christmas' shopping centre, I have now got pretty much 95% of my shopping done.....

I actually have had a pretty awful day on the inside though

I found that sometime yesterday I moved back into myself, into my centre......I am very tired in here from all the running and I am incredibly sad. I know I am feeling a lifetimes worth of sadness here and it isn't just about any one thing, or even any recent thing, it just seems to me that I have all this sad that has been buried in me for ever and ever and on some level I have decided it is time for me to feel it....

I went to the beach for an hour or so and got blown around this afternoon.....I drove to a meeting tonight and it was on step 2.....*grin*.....yeah, I think I believe by now......

I did some reading on step 6, and I drove......

I had my music blaring and I sang my damn heart out whilst doing 120 k's an hour and crying hard.......it felt good!

Then I drove some more and handed every damn thing I could think of over to god.....

Then I listed every defect I could think of that I ever indulge in and asked for them to be gone.....it felt like a good and right time and I am so sick of turmoil

I will write on this stuff as it comes up and I will continue to ask but I have to start somewhere






5 comments:

christopher said...

Perhaps this is our point of connection, Michelle...

I have become satisfied that my core issue is not fear but is bewilderment and grief. Underneath at the simplest most primitive level I just don't get it and am incredibly sad. It is later, when I "realize" that I can't survive it (I am going to die after all) that fear enters but also anger, depending on my orientation. Thus I don't believe that fear is always beneath my anger as so many claim.

Beneath all is this grief. I am actually grateful that I can cry easily now. I rarely feel that my grief is all that buggered up with falsehood and hidden agendas. Keeping this clean releives the fear and anger quite a lot.

Loving you.

Cyndy said...

I am happy for you, Michelle. It must feel better without the extra weight: maybe it wasn't on your ass at all, so you can spend less time with Harry, & more time at the beach.

A bit less of the high speed crying would be good: it's a little risky....... Yeah, more beach time... cry while you're stationary.... singing at the top of your lungs? that's good ;0)

Love you xoxoxox

Michelle said...

Party pooper Cyndy.....

Christopher, I agree, I have always been running from the sad. Anger has rarely been my issue. I am constantly bewildered and I do not WANT to get most stuff that other people seem to just do or see as a matter of course. I choose ignorance in a lot of instances, though I prefer to call it innocence, and I believe this actually saved my life. Had I gone to the places some people I know went to there would be no way I could have survived it. Absolutely no way I could have lived with me. This is hard enough.

Anonymous said...

Smooch.

Have a foot spa. Where did that thing go anyway?

Purge the poisons!!!

Smooch again.

Red Mum

Michelle said...

Its in mums wardrobe! Good idea, now to find the 50 ,minutes to sit still....