I had a lovely morning with my friends eating brekky and drinking lots of coffees
Then I had to go to the maul and shop for Christmas.....I got a park in 5 minutes and wandered around the' not all that busy considering its Christmas' shopping centre, I have now got pretty much 95% of my shopping done.....
I actually have had a pretty awful day on the inside though
I found that sometime yesterday I moved back into myself, into my centre......I am very tired in here from all the running and I am incredibly sad. I know I am feeling a lifetimes worth of sadness here and it isn't just about any one thing, or even any recent thing, it just seems to me that I have all this sad that has been buried in me for ever and ever and on some level I have decided it is time for me to feel it....
I went to the beach for an hour or so and got blown around this afternoon.....I drove to a meeting tonight and it was on step 2.....*grin*.....yeah, I think I believe by now......
I did some reading on step 6, and I drove......
I had my music blaring and I sang my damn heart out whilst doing 120 k's an hour and crying hard.......it felt good!
Then I drove some more and handed every damn thing I could think of over to god.....
Then I listed every defect I could think of that I ever indulge in and asked for them to be gone.....it felt like a good and right time and I am so sick of turmoil
I will write on this stuff as it comes up and I will continue to ask but I have to start somewhere
5 comments:
Perhaps this is our point of connection, Michelle...
I have become satisfied that my core issue is not fear but is bewilderment and grief. Underneath at the simplest most primitive level I just don't get it and am incredibly sad. It is later, when I "realize" that I can't survive it (I am going to die after all) that fear enters but also anger, depending on my orientation. Thus I don't believe that fear is always beneath my anger as so many claim.
Beneath all is this grief. I am actually grateful that I can cry easily now. I rarely feel that my grief is all that buggered up with falsehood and hidden agendas. Keeping this clean releives the fear and anger quite a lot.
Loving you.
I am happy for you, Michelle. It must feel better without the extra weight: maybe it wasn't on your ass at all, so you can spend less time with Harry, & more time at the beach.
A bit less of the high speed crying would be good: it's a little risky....... Yeah, more beach time... cry while you're stationary.... singing at the top of your lungs? that's good ;0)
Love you xoxoxox
Party pooper Cyndy.....
Christopher, I agree, I have always been running from the sad. Anger has rarely been my issue. I am constantly bewildered and I do not WANT to get most stuff that other people seem to just do or see as a matter of course. I choose ignorance in a lot of instances, though I prefer to call it innocence, and I believe this actually saved my life. Had I gone to the places some people I know went to there would be no way I could have survived it. Absolutely no way I could have lived with me. This is hard enough.
Smooch.
Have a foot spa. Where did that thing go anyway?
Purge the poisons!!!
Smooch again.
Red Mum
Its in mums wardrobe! Good idea, now to find the 50 ,minutes to sit still....
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