Sunday, February 08, 2009

hmmmm

Well, having had some inspiring comments on my question I gave it some thought and, as usual, for me, ended up thoroughly confused for a while ......

In the end all I can come up with, in reference to myself, which is all I'm 'qualified' to talk about really, is that, having been through years of 'displaying' (due to being) myself as a victim or an abused person or an abuser and other such things, all of which I have been at some point in my life, having pared myself down as far as I am able, to the simple-ish me that is, is that if I just present me as me, how I am at any given moment, whether I be strong, fearful, sad, mad, loony or whatever, then I am being true to me and also to you, whoever you are at the time.

By doing this I acknowledge that it is quite OKAY for me to be feeling anything I am feeling and I am not locked into being anything in particular. This gives me the freedom to be who I am, warts and all, and to not have to worry about what you think. Because that's actually none of my business at all.

I am not strong all the time, I am not mad all the time, I am not confident, fearful, brash, whatever ALL the time, I am all of these things SOMETIMES.

They are not who I am but part of what I experience. If I live my life dictated to by something I have experienced then I allow that experience to define who I am. This I refuse to do.

I am just me.

Whoever she be at this point, and its okay for me to show it.

Because, in the greater scheme of things, it doesn't even matter. And what you think matters even less. I am the one who has to live with me every day, you just catch a snippet sometimes.

If I can live with that then excellent. If not, I have some adjustments to make for myself.

I spent so many years crippled by fear. In the end I realised that the fear that was crippling me was not the fear of what had happened to me, but the fear of who I might be when I no longer allowed fear to rule me. When I did finally 'get it' I was so angry (once I got past blame, another story), at me, for wasting all that time. Then I had to forgive myself for not knowing any better. Now I do know better and can USE my experiences to know when to say no and when to NOT engage in things that are detrimental to me.....back to choices again :) That's not to say I don't still get caught up in it all, I do, but these days I recognise it a hell of a lot sooner than I did, and I can relegate it to the garbage bin where it belongs pretty damn quick!


Having said that, I will still smile for my kids when I feel like shit and I will be strong for my mother even if I am breaking apart inside. Those things I will do for love of the people involved.
Not for fear of exposing myself or because I don't know who I am.

Makes sense to me......usually :0)



Onto other daily drivel....

Shelli's tonsillitis seems to be no better and is probably worse despite the antibiotics, any helpful tips would be appreciated re what do to help her

Kayla and I started making her quilt last night....grrrrrr, this is going to take forever and I will have made a lovely quilt for her to claim if it keeps up. Hopefully she will learn as we go and be able to do it herself so it is indeed her hobby and not mine....whinge moan bitch

She is a good girl though as I came home to a sparkling clean (??) house/bathroom yesterday instead of the pigsty I was expecting...noice

Mind you this was in reaction to the dummyspit I had had the night before about having useless lumps of children who couldnt do anything for themselves and made my life be consumed by the cleaning of other peoples crap etc etc etc.............oh dear, but TRUE and obviously useful as it worked.

Am going over to mums today to get some stuff done there for her.....she cant do it herself so hi ho hi ho...off we go.....goodbye Sunday........

Did anybody else have a strange experience last night? I suddenly started shaking like a leaf and felt really really weird for a half hour or so......for no reason that I can discern......hmmm????
And the sky was frikken HUMMNG (like, a TUNE) I swear, for ages....weird energy indeed I think.

It was hot yesterday, but you know, it wasnt so bad here. We had a great breeze coming off the water so it was bearable, hope today is the same....though mum has air con so thats a relief in advance.....

Darlin will be coming today. Must ring him and request throat soothing supplies from town asap...might wait till 8am though, it IS Sunday after all......

Thats about it folks, life goes on does it not

Have a nice Sunday

xxx

12 comments:

Barry said...

I attended several lectures by Albert Ellis who used to warn that we can never be defined by any one of our attributes.

To call ourselves abused or an abuser, or a doctor or a lawyer, a alcoholic or a hero is to use terms that don't even begin to capture the richness of of the numerous qualities that make up ourselves.

In other words, I think he would agree with you.

Michelle said...

Yes Barry!

Is there such a word as detributes??

Well, there should be.

:0)

Lisa said...

your honesty is inspiring and confronting- i love to be inspired and am learning to deal with being confronted.

So great to get some real 'ankle wisdom' flowing on here.

Salt water for the girls throat although if antibiotics are not working it may indicated a viral situation that needs to burn its self out.
Salt water cant hurt though.

I am here for you when you are breaking apart shell xxxx

but i wont clean your house !

Michelle said...

bitch!

Anonymous said...

She may need to get them out ( your daughter and her tonsils ) if they are too bad...but give the antibiotics a chance. I suffered for years with tonsilitis as a kid and if all else fails try chicken soup - it is a total cure it all miracle potion.w.w.

Melora said...

I agree with all you have said and by God it is so hard facing it. As someone recently said to me "it is so much easier to live in your darkness than it is your light". The light scares people. Here's to pulling up the shades!

Lisa said...

but a very nice, honest and loving bitch..........

Chrisy said...

I love the way that you write...it carries me along...and...somehow it makes me feel good...thank you for ur openness..ur willingness to share yourself...to reaffirm the rest of us...
Hope the little one is feeling better...sounds like she might need stronger antibiotics...much as we hate them...

Jen said...

hope you had a productive day at mums, and the throat has settled down!!!

I am here to bestow a letter on you.

You have the letter B

Just link the post back to me yada yada and good luck :)

Dave King said...

Lovely and exciting, not many blogs are both! I shall be coming back for more.

Debbie said...

This is my first visit and I am speechless. First, this artwork is unbelievable. I have to go check that out more.
And I enjoyed this post and getting to know more about you. As a child, I had tonsillitis and strep all the time and they would not take my tonsils out back then. I finally had them out as an adult and it was the best thing I have ever done. Hands down. Hope she is well soon.

Michelle said...

Thanks guys.