Wednesday, February 11, 2009


I have been wondering what its going to be like

Life after the death of my mother

I have thus far avoided this conversation with myself because I just havn't wanted to think about it


I feel that I must make some sort of, internal at least. preperation here

I dont think she will see out this year......

Not without a miracle anyway

Who will 'do' Christmas afterwards?

Who will I run to, not that I have needed to do that for many years now, but still, what if I did?

Who will I be in the family infrastructure?

What will happen to my little brother?? As far as I'm concerned he will live with me until he feels he can manage on his own...but what will he want?? He is my main concern really. He is only 22 years old.....and now is not the time to ask him, but soon, maybe soon.

What will happen should this business not sell? For real?

I don't understand finances, never having had any money, what happens with the house, the business, all the' stuff'? I know what mum wants everyone to have, I know what debts need paying, but I don't know anything else and she hasn't been very forthcoming with getting this stuff sorted.

Who will I be?

What will I do next?

My MadKchild will be devastated, as will my sister.

How will I help them pick up their pieces?

Funerals? I will have to organise one.....



Myst_72 said...

It's a hard one.

I had to do all of this when my Dad died - leaving my brother and I executors of his will. My brother (although older than me) was in no shape to handle it so it was mostly in my hands.

Unfortunately we had no warning or time to prepare, I think your Mum has probably instructed her solicitors on pretty much all of it.
The solicitors will handle a lot of the necessary things.

As the time comes closer, ask her what she wants.

And your brother, let him know he always has a home with you.
That's important to know.

You will be amazed at how much you all pull together and help each other, and we will all be here for you too.


Michelle said...

No G, there are no solicitors...this is what I mean...

Lisa said...

a lot of this stuff will 'just happen'- fall into place as it were.

the vacuum left when mum leaves will be filled.

I am scared for you too my sweet friend and am releived a bit that you are even thinking along thses lines becasue denial can only make things worse.

Lisa xxxx

Michelle said...

Im not in me...just trying to pull it together in my head a bit as I cant in the physical yet.

Anonymous said...

Yes...get organised. As much as you can and MAKE your mother make some decisions.
It really hepls when they do a bit of organisation for funeral are a mess after they die and its not a good time to start thiking about what has to be organised.
I thought about my fathers death all the time he was in hospital ( only a few weeks )trying to prepare myself in some sort of way and I was not even attached in an emotional way. I always said that when my father dies it would be like going to the funeral of a stranger.
Write stuff down, who to call, where to go, cause if you fall apart at least you can hand the list over to someone else who will be able to help you.Asign a helper also, so when it does happen they will be there to give you a hand and make the calls etc...thats a really good idea.
Then you will just get on with it, as you always do.w.w.

dragonesque said...

People are more resilient than we would ever hope we need to be and both parts of that truth are very important. Would it help to write a list of things that you are thinking about and then explore what options you have for each one? This may stop going over and over things in your head but may also make you feel a bit more in control when that's probably one of the things that you aren't really feeling right now.

You will also have a lot of support and as G says you will all pull together and have a good network of support around you.

Thinking of you.

Chrisy said...

Yes I understand...just consciously thinking about it is a big step isn't it...and you seem to have so many people who are depending on you...I really admire u....I cannot even contemplate losing my mum...and we don't even live in the same city...

Natalie said...

I agree with Renata.

Have faith in God, but tie up your camel.xx

Cyndy said...

All good advice, 'Chell.

I hope that I'm not being too upfront or upsetting , Michelle.

Preparing for the event really helps to deal with things more than people realise. It gives people some much-needed control over a situation which is often out of their own hands.

Taking control of the business side of things where possible might be a good diversion too, for your mum. Knowing that measures are in place may give her a bit more opportunity for acceptance & closure.

Have you guys talked with the palliative care team? Grief Counsellors? As trite & confronting as it sounds, these people can arm you with knowledge to help & support you and your decisions. They deal with it every day. If left, decisions made under the duress of stressful conditions are really hard to make.

Even if it is only you, 'Chell that sees them, it will be a start. Hunter New England Health has a life-choice (or end-of-life choice) plan & documentation that can be put in place when needed. (Advanced Care Planning Directive). I wish that we had done one for my Mum. We talked about on a number of occassions, but Mum's surgery didn't happen for over a year, then happened in a hurry, so nothing was organised.

And as for the funeral, well maybe your mum will be a bit more forthcoming for her send-off when she has made the other emotional & mental adjustments. Don't worry too much about it just yet. There really aren't too many options to be dazzled with. It's all about your mum & should reflect her. You guys will work it out.

I met a wonderful grief counsellor after Beloved's Dad died. Her name is Annie Laurie. She was the celebrant at his funeral at Poppy Don's request. She is a former nun, & the most amazingly down-to-earth person, with an wonderful warmth that she extends to others. It was a non-religious service in one of the funeral chapels in Wallsend. It was lovely.

Please believe me when I tell you that your mum will never really leave you. You are & will always be who you are now & always have been: you. You'll just add another layer to your beautiful self.

Enough of my muggling. You have a way to walk yet, 'Chell, & you will do it in the light of love. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do.


Lisa said...

oh honey, i have been thinking about you all night- about his post.
Renata is so very right ( as she is so frequently) and Cyndy really knows this stuff.
We will all be with you on this- i am a phone call/email away, always xx

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

I'm sorry Michelle for what you're having to deal with right now.
I lost my mother when I was 22.

I would strongly suggest, as hard as it is, to get the business end of things taken care of now and it will free your heart and mind up in the future so that you can spend good, quality time just loving her and comforting her. Please take care of yourself as well during this time.

Again, I'm so sorry. You've got some great friends here who have given you wonderful advice and support already. Just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you as well.
Take care,

Michelle said...

Thank you people, I think that after the next oncology appointment things may start to get sorted...they;ll have to.

Renee said...

You need to open the dialogue with your Mom Michelle.

I told my kids when I was first diagnosed that they would never have to guess what was going on and therefore think that I was keeping things away from them because I knew that there fears would eat them alive.

The reality is hard enough, never mind the unknown.

Love Renee