Sorry for all the many posts....
no I'm not actually, my damn blog!
I am up to this now.....
a little clarity perhaps
16 weeks ago I gave up smoking.
I had been smoking, heavily, for 20 years.
Smoking is a stress reliever in that it helps you to 'stuff' your feelings.
I have lots of feelings that have been stuffed one way or another over the years and this was maybe their last stand!
Please let it never be this intense again!
I have been running around, mentally anyway, like a headless chook looking for something, ANYTHING, to stuff these feelings back in where I am comfortable with them.
A behaviour will do.
Why not neediness?
Why not insecurity?
Why not fear?
Why not sadness and grief?
I have carried them all in abundance in the past.
I have spent 8 years of my life trying to let go of them and all of a sudden the dregs of them, or perhaps the bulk of them, are wooshing up to the surface to be released.
I have had enough now okay?
I'm sorry if you got caught in my backlash......
I really really am
I didn't mean it.
You think it could be that simple?
Was it so bad to want to be held?
I am truly sad now because I think I have scared someone I care about away.
I hope not.
I have a plan.
My plan is to pull my head in for a while.
I am driving up the coast on Sunday to check out a caravan park at a little beach someone told me about. If I like it I am booking me in there for a week at the end of this month. I plan to sit on that beach and just relax for a week. I will do whatever I please, which will likely be nothing but eat and walk and maybe fish and swim. I will let me come back to me because I have been very far away for a few months now.
In the meantime, I am not going to be going out with anyone.
Or looking for anyone to go out with.
Or ringing anyone I want to see.
I am waiting.
I will wait and see what happens.
I will wait and I will do my mother and my kids and myself.
If something is meant to be, it will be, regardless of any messing around I do with it.
Letting go with gratitude and, hopefully, grace.
Time to wake up now....
I really have had enough.
This shit hurts too much.