Friday, November 13, 2009

Damn....

Sorry for all the many posts....

no I'm not actually, my damn blog!

I am up to this now.....

a little clarity perhaps

16 weeks ago I gave up smoking.

I had been smoking, heavily, for 20 years.

Smoking is a stress reliever in that it helps you to 'stuff' your feelings.

I have lots of feelings that have been stuffed one way or another over the years and this was maybe their last stand!

Please let it never be this intense again!

I have been running around, mentally anyway, like a headless chook looking for something, ANYTHING, to stuff these feelings back in where I am comfortable with them.

A behaviour will do.

Any behaviour.

Why not neediness?

Why not insecurity?

Why not fear?

Why not sadness and grief?

I have carried them all in abundance in the past.

I have spent 8 years of my life trying to let go of them and all of a sudden the dregs of them, or perhaps the bulk of them, are wooshing up to the surface to be released.

I have had enough now okay?

No more.

I'm sorry if you got caught in my backlash......

I really really am

I didn't mean it.

You think it could be that simple?

Was it so bad to want to be held?

I am truly sad now because I think I have scared someone I care about away.

I hope not.

I have a plan.

My plan is to pull my head in for a while.

I am driving up the coast on Sunday to check out a caravan park at a little beach someone told me about. If I like it I am booking me in there for a week at the end of this month. I plan to sit on that beach and just relax for a week. I will do whatever I please, which will likely be nothing but eat and walk and maybe fish and swim. I will let me come back to me because I have been very far away for a few months now.

In the meantime, I am not going to be going out with anyone.

Or looking for anyone to go out with.

Or ringing anyone I want to see.

I am waiting.

I will wait and see what happens.

I will wait and I will do my mother and my kids and myself.

If something is meant to be, it will be, regardless of any messing around I do with it.

Letting go with gratitude and, hopefully, grace.

Time to wake up now....

I really have had enough.

This shit hurts too much.


7 comments:

Natalie said...

I am proud of you. Regardless of anything, I love who you are, and so will HE, whomever that may be.
Be still, and await the will of Heaven.
I will too, let's both just LET GO. xx

Bagman and Butler said...

I really understand your struggle but can't think of anything to say. I sit here and look at the stupid comment box and want to crawl through it and tell you things will be all right...maybe not fireworks and rainbows.. but all right. Finally, I stop staring at this stupid comment box and type out this drivel.

christopher said...

I am catty-corner to the east of you with a whole bunch of water in between. Wish I could be your neighbor. We could play cards or something. :)

I agree with Natalie. I love who you are. If you square yourself away, you will find new people. Like tends to attract like, so as you lift your own self up a better class of man will show up too. I guess you have to find exposure somehow. Patience, I guess.

I agree with you. I think you are easy on the eyes.

Barry said...

I am a big fan of getaways.

Leave your worries at home and go enjoy!

Peace.

Sarah Lulu said...

I gave up smoking too ... 5 years ago this week, (I had forgotten.) ...
nearly went insane myself.

DID look around for someone to take me out of myself ...of course that didn't work ...

But you are doing fine.

Lisa said...

you could eat flesh and it would not drive me away..........
Lisa x

smiles4u said...

I just recently found your blog here through the wonderful Bogey and finally have a chance to stop by and read. Wow. Reading your blog is like reading thoughts I have now or have had in the not so far past of my life. Your struggles have been my struggles. What you write is what would have been written by me in a blog should I have had a blog 4-5 years ago. It's like I went back in time and read me.

I too, used smoking to hide from everything and I mean everything!! I just passed the 7 month mark of quitting myself and my god it's been a hell of a journey of letting it go and baring my soul...not having that to hide behind anymore has brought up many old issues...ugh. I held onto smoking because I let go of the drugs that numbed me many years ago. Oh the vices we use to cope or to stuff what we don't want to see.

How wonderful that you have this blog...your own special place to unleash all that is in you and lay it down to sort through. I am glad that I took the time to visit you here. I love your kind of honesty and realness. I will be back.

I know you don't know me but would it be alright if I gave you a hug? ((((Michelle)))))

You truly do deserve the award that Bogey passed on to you. I see such resilency in you that I just know that great things are coming for you. Peace to you Michelle, Lori