8 years ago I decided to give up smoking.
I got the patches, I wore them, I went really well for about a week.
Then I smoked with the patch on. One smoke was not enough for me, I had about 10.
I overdosed on nicotine!
I thought I was dying.
I was driving along the main road with my family in my car when I began to experience the terrifying heart palpitations and racing, screaming pulse and irrational fear that happens when you do this.
I thought I was dying!
Thus began a horrific period of my life when panic attacks and fear overtook my whole self.
I began to self 'medicate' via the bottle. I took drugs of the legal variety for far longer than the prescribed time span. I stopped taking them and thought I was going insane.
I became an utter mess and a raging alcoholic.
I lived in a place of utter despair with no hope and no joy. No feelings whatsoever.
My children suffered this with me.
I ended up in hospital for three weeks because my body was dying.
I came out of hospital and attended a program that was supposed to re-educate me in two weeks.
September 11 happened while I was there.
I drank again, for a whole week.
Then I went to rehab.
For 6 months.
I lived, some how.
My children survived, somehow.
I have been in the place of no tommorrow and come back, somehow.
In the time since then I have left my marriage, met my partner and started to live my dream.
It has been hard at times and so very easy at others.
I take nothing for granted, I hope.
I am a bit scared of giving up smoking!