Monday, October 02, 2006

reasons?

8 years ago I decided to give up smoking.
I got the patches, I wore them, I went really well for about a week.
Then I smoked with the patch on. One smoke was not enough for me, I had about 10.
I overdosed on nicotine!
I thought I was dying.
I was driving along the main road with my family in my car when I began to experience the terrifying heart palpitations and racing, screaming pulse and irrational fear that happens when you do this.
I thought I was dying!
Thus began a horrific period of my life when panic attacks and fear overtook my whole self.
I began to self 'medicate' via the bottle. I took drugs of the legal variety for far longer than the prescribed time span. I stopped taking them and thought I was going insane.
I became an utter mess and a raging alcoholic.
I lived in a place of utter despair with no hope and no joy. No feelings whatsoever.
My children suffered this with me.
I ended up in hospital for three weeks because my body was dying.
I came out of hospital and attended a program that was supposed to re-educate me in two weeks.
September 11 happened while I was there.
I drank again, for a whole week.
Then I went to rehab.
For 6 months.
I lived, some how.
My children survived, somehow.
I have been in the place of no tommorrow and come back, somehow.
In the time since then I have left my marriage, met my partner and started to live my dream.
It has been hard at times and so very easy at others.
I take nothing for granted, I hope.

I am a bit scared of giving up smoking!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't blame you sweety! But remember how very far you have come and you're a different person now...
Blessings and good luck...

Romy said...

You have certainly suffered your fair due.....thanks for sharing this. I know it would be hard.I always think many times over before I blog anything. It is hard to put it out there.Fear always stays within our reach...it is always just around he corner..you can see it out of the corner of your eye so you know it is there..keep one step ahead and pretend it is not calling to you.

Anchell said...

I do. I know its not then, but I need to accept where my fear came from, then I can give it a shove. I am who I am because of my experiences. And I WILL give up smoking, in spite of them.....

Elizabeth said...

love you - stop smoking Mary !

Elizabeth said...

by the way- I love your big flat hair

Anchell said...

and I love your green and orange dress!

Cyndy said...

You are Brave; just do it; you know you can!

Cyndy said...

And that's why you're not filling shelves at Woolies........GO YOU!

Kathleen said...

You are in my heart too,

Love and Blessings
Kathleen xOx