Happy?

Am having an insomniac evening tonight

It was so lovely to get out and see my friends, it seems to have been sooooo long, and it has

And to meet Kerry, who is now my honorary marysister I have decided.....

I have been sitting here thinking about what it is that makes me happy, in light of the fact that I am now feeling rather that way inclined, as opposed to how I was feeling a very short month or so ago....

I think the thing I value most in my life is truth

When I am not living my truth, I suffer

I become depressed and don't realise it until, suddenly, all the light seems to be gone out of my life....I don't paint, I don't listen to music, I don't do anything joyful at all really....and I don't even know it until I make some change or decision and then my soul lifts and I can see again

I'm pretty sure most of you will know what I mean...

When I am living MY truth, as I know it......I feel centered and strong and, well, satisfied with myself and what I am doing.

When I am with people who are not my particular 'truth' I feel dragged down into them and need to get away a lot....

For me, to be happy is not about being ecstatically joyful all of the time, though that is wonderful when it happens, it is more about living each day doing what I know I should be doing, with whom I should be doing it.

About being there for people I love, and letting them know I love them just because I do.

It's about not having an agenda, just being there

It's about not allowing fear of the great unknown to overcome my doing what feels right to me

About doing my best and letting that be enough

It's about feeling things and not shoving them away because they are hard

or ugly

or too painful

or too beautiful

It's about accepting that sometimes things just be that way and that it's okay to cry

About taking the opportunity to love when it presents itself, difficult as it may seem at times

It's about not being afraid to jump off a cliff now and then...

Sometimes the joy is all in the falling .....no matter where you end up

pleasing indeedy

Oh for frik's sake

I have been trying to get to a post all day!

I am so damn busy doing all the work that I have missed this week that I am here in the office 2 hours after I am supposed to be home...grrrrr...the rest of it can wait till Monday morning!

Update on yesterday is all good......was a very emotional and draining day for the little mum but we got head gear shopping done, bought some make up and stuff and chemo went well, with me telling the hurty nurse to piss off and get us someone who knewwhat they were doing....hurty nurse doesn't like me now and I don't give a rats ar....behind :)

Mum had a nice night last night, Tahni was home and well, it was just nice and funny too....and she feels GOOD today, first time in a few weeks.

So, I am happy with that....and with work done here too.

I am going out, oh my gosh, tonight to meet a sister of a mary of mine and that will be fun...wow, fun....hmmmmm

I need some more fun in my life......need to laugh more too.

I am starting to definately feel like a human being again....and it is just so good.

I am pleased ......very pleased

Oh well, off home now, to no doubt clean up mess and then go somewhere nice for a change

woo hoooooo

Frikday again

A quicky

Today I am a chemo with mum.....and a beanie shopper too

It is peeing down rainy tears from the heavens and my little town is a puddle today

In spite of everything bad and sad going on here I am still standing tall and my heart is not afraid

In fact it is strong and alive and I am a blessed individual to be where I am

It is a priviledge to be me right now....how grateful am I!

so

I am feeling a little....

hmmm

...smug

Have a good one people....see you at the other end of the day

Extra stuff and stamping my foot.....

I am adding an extra next day award give away today

I am also awarding my Lisa my coveted Renee Award

You want to know why?

Because I love her and she somehow manages to help me keep my feet on the ground and my heart flying simultaneously......

That's why :)

She doesn't normally 'do' awards but I want her to have this one!

You hear me woman?

I am stamping my foot!



And, just in case you're interested, this is me, yesterday, with giant bags under my eyes from lack of sleep :)

Hello...!

A note to Jac.....I am sorry about the spider, really truly sorry....I will admit to having a giggle when I posted it, just in case you saw it, in fact I almost dedicated it to you.....(evil chuckle)

And, my Kayla wishes me to add this link to a you-tube doovything her and Shelli have made of them teaching the dog to howl......yes, I did say teaching the dog to howl......there has been an awful lot of howling going on at my place recently ......god knows what the neighbours think :D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2bAZUYKrTU


So, have a lovely day my friends and I am wishing for you whatever it is that your heart desires the most.....your heart people, not your head.

There is a difference.......your heart is where the joy lies, your head just gives you a headache.

Trust me...I know!

deep and meaningful

No, I don't know....I stole it from somewhere though :)

Every one seems to be a little deep and meaningful lately

Must be something in the air?

Me, I am feeling....well deep and meaningful

but also rather emotionally yoyo-ish and really quite exhausted

I haven't slept well this week

YAWN

oh well....

So, yeah, while I would like to post something thought provoking

or cheeky and rude

I can't actually think straight :)

I just wanted to say hello

smoooooch to you all

Thank you very much!

Well, I am extremely pleased and honoured to be the recipient of this one!

The Renee award really means something to me. I love Renee, she is an angel here in blog world.

Somehow, this beautiful woman manages to take the time and the energy in her very full life and reach out to share her insight and her grace with all she touches. She has touched me profoundly, as has Audrey from Stage Three Who Me? who has gifted me with this.

I would like to pass it on to some other beautiful people who have also reached out and touched me here in blog land. You guys may not know it, but some days you are the only light I see and that my friends, is enough to keep me going.

I am blessed to have in my life:

Mark from Bagman and Butler....underneath that bad boy lies a heart of gold

Sarah Lulu from Normal is a Cycle on a Washing Machine...this lady knows how to live gratitude and is constantly reminding me to do the same

Cyndy from Blogmuggling....a beautiful lady who I would like to see more of one of these days

John from Smoke Rings and Matterings....who has written his way into my heart and who has a huge spirit that can cross a world in an instant

I am truly grateful for this and I thank you, all of you, for being my collective rock in this stormy sea.



I am also grateful for this Friends award that I have received from the lovely Annie at Strawberry Girl's Reflections.

Annie is a gentle soul who is raising four kids in a difficult and sometimes lonely world out there. She always has something nice to say and I wish her happiness and serenity :)

Passing this on to everyone who comes here today. I am very pleased to have met you all and well, do you see what happens when you take a moment to reach out and hold somebodies hand?

The love gets spread in the world people!

Isn't it magical!

thank god that's over....

Groan

I have had an hilariously funny day

not

Mostly it involved me doing silly things

like taking some people to inspect a house and locking my keys in the car...

yep

...with my wallet, which has the spare key in it, as I do lock my keys in the car quite regularly :)

and the office keys!

There was I

Stuck in the street with a set of house keys for an empty house and luckily, a mobile phone!

Little bro promptly rode his trusty steed down and picked me up.....

grrrrr

Then I got a phone call from Kayla because there was this over the bathroom door




She has a bit of a phobia and so mummythehero had to go home to remove large hairy beast

So she could get into the bathroom.....

In between this I was tearing my hair out trying to burn some CD's....stupid windows media player.....grrrrr

....and taking and making phone calls

Fixing the stupid photocopier which involved ripping it to bits to get to the piece of paper jammed in it.........twice

Smiling at idiots who came in to get rental lists, whilst thinking "ha ha as if bucko!"

Picking up little bald mother, with turban and nausea......(she won't stay home when the cleaning lady comes :)

So she could sit in the orifice and read whilst I scooted home to scrub cupboards and vacuum 12 small dogs off the floor and pretend my house is clean, ready for my inspection tomorrow

Going to the supermarket for dinner supplies...lucky mum had money as my wallet was still locked in my car....

So, running on about 4 hours sleep each for the last 4 nights I am a bit ....well...you know

Starting to resemble witchypoo here ......

However.....I now have my car keys, if not my car....

I have been and fed the hoards at mum's

I am now sitting with a cup of tea

Contemplating my navel and how ridiculous it all is

sigh

A highlight of the day was the most spectacular sunset!

The sky was almost aqua with burning orange and pink clouds with golden sunshine glowing just underneath.....one cloud was shaped like a giant man flying through the sky......magic... and it stretched on forever

I didn't have my camera unfortunately but wow

So beautiful, it took my breath away

And then the day was good and I remembered

It's all in the small stuff :)

Hope there are some orange clouds for you today people

sigh

I seem to have been hit with a wave of melancholy this evening

I just feel so damn sad

My heart hurts

I guess it must be a mixture of things, including my mothers brave bald head.

When I got home tonight I found these on the table

They are from our garden, which grows itself

Beautiful girls

Thank you

Mustday

Bloody hell

Will somebody come over here and slap me and make me do some work!

Am just listening to music and answering phones here today.....

Must do rents Michelle

Must do invoices Michelle

Must do something Michelle!

Must fix the photocopier Michelle.....I have broken the damn thing and I can't find where to fix it from......

argh

I'm going to be sorry!

But......not today :)

Calm....me??? Well okay then....

Audrey has just commented that she is glad things are calm in my world

I am having a bit of a hysterical chuckle over that right now

I am feeling strangely calm

To a point....and that is nice

I am also feeling like I am caught up in a whirlwind that is moving very very slowly

Hmmm...

My day has been nice, exhausting but nice

The weather here decided to be kind and give me a sunny warm day with no wind

And I spent it at mum's doing some stuff for her that she can't

We painted and cleaned things and scrubbed walls and this was good, she felt better for it being done

My house is sadly neglected but I don't care

I went for a little walk down from her house and the above pic will show you what I could see from there.......

I came home and cooked dinner

I got a phone call from little brother telling me that him and mum had just shaved their heads!!

Then I had a teary mum on the phone telling me the mirrors are covered up so she can't see but she will look tomorrow...

Ummm, I was going to do that with her....

but just quietly I'm kind of glad I didn't have to

Hat and beanie shopping this week people!

In spite of all of this......

I am still at peace somewhere inside

Things are happening all around us

Can you feel the earth singing?

I can :)

Drivel on Sunday

Good Sunday morning to you all :)

Firstly, the painting below is NOT one of mine, unfortunately

I do love it, so I will use it somehow, to influence me

I love poppies, so whimsical

But it isn't mine......and I don't know where I got the image from so I can't credit the artist, if you know please tell me!

Secondly

The sun is shining!

For now...woo hoo

Thirdly, I am a housework today.....well, I am certainly thinking hard about it :)

Fourthly, I am a bit cranky that some of my better loved CD's have walked out of my house! I will be chasing up Loreena ...........grrrr

That will do for counting

My brain hurts

But my heart is light

All is well

Have a lovely Sunday world!

Unfettered

I don't know where I got this from but I love it!

Life is too short to waste on bullshit I have decided.

Well, I decided that quite a while ago but I am reinforcing that today.

My sister left today so life is back to 'normal', god I hate that word!

She didn't want to go...

I didn't want her to go...

Mum wishes we could all be here because every time she goes she doesn't know how many times she will see her again, so tears were shed this afternoon.

She will be back soon.

Chemo was done yesterday, they were concerned because her bloods were still very low, but they did it anyway.

We talked about chemo a bit, and we decided that we would ask for a staging after this lot and then seriously ask some questions of the new doctor about whether it is worth it, in the long run.

This is what is left of her life, she needs to feel she is living it!

I know she is doing the chemo because she thinks it is what we want, that she is scared to be really sick because it will be hard for ME.....fuck! I told her today that this is HER life, she needs to call the shots, I am just holding her hand!

So, we will see what the next few weeks brings and then, whatever she decides, will be what is.

I am also investigating some extra alternative stuff for her, aimed specifically at the lungs, because the bowel has, so far, responded very well to the B17 by not growing anywhere else!

So there.

I didn't get out for my walk yesterday, I didn't stand under a tree for me, but I felt good anyway, because it was only the rain that stopped me, and I chose not to get wet that day:)

I feel strong today.

I hope that lasts for a while.

I am listening to KD Lang. I like KD Lang, she's a bit sexy.

I feel strangely unburdened and well, free!

I feel like I am growing into me.

I needed to leave and I did.

I made the right choice.

I am strong.

Hear me roar!

Ummm, the post below was Shelli! Dobbing me in because she cut up the carrots and they were all over the floor! Can't get away with anything around here!

Bosh

crabbots!

mum is feeding the dog carrots, and blaming it on me.

Happy Birthday to Josh

Yesterday, which is today in Germany, it was my son Joshua's birthday!

Happy 19th Birthday my boy!

I love you much

Smiling on the inside ...

Did you know it's 12.30pm and I have done nothing but sit in this office and daydream people

I have work a pilin' up

And I dont bloody care!

So there...

I'm feeling happy today

The sun is peeking out of the clouds

I'm going for a walk in a little while, and I will stand under a tree and smile.....just for me

I may take a pic or two

and this idea may be kyboshed by a passing rain storm

but I don't care about that either

Mum is in having a double whammy chemo

but I am hoping that is all good

because just for today

Someone else is holding her hand

and

I'm here for me


:0)

On the other side of midnight.....

Just quietly

I am really really pleased with the way Shelli's counseling is going

Things are moving and changing people!

How damn cool is that :)

OY!

Okay my physical blog friends listen up!

If any of you are holding a DECENT photo of me in your stuff can you please send me a copy

I need some piccys and I seem to always be the one behind the damn lense!

None of those fugly ones Lisa!

:0)

Today is horrible....its raining and windy and cold and just feral

I am painting in the office...shhhh

Well, pen and inking

I have decided to play with some small paintings for a little while and get my 'groove' back on :)

One must be creative or one shrivels up into an old hag

My muse is pleased....

Too friggen quiet and not quiet enough

What is going on this world?

No ones on facebook

No ones blogging

No ones emailing

ARGHHHHHHHH

My day has been, well, long cold windy wet and quiet

Except for the chitter chatter of two teenagers who have been home sick

GRRRRRRR

Oh well, I got some painting done

But no housework

Nope

None at all

:0)

A Bit About Kayla

I have been harrassed by my daughter Kayla

She claims I blog too much about Shelli and not enough about her :)

She is my middle daughter, 17 years old and a naughty girl!

Kayla has always been my 'easy' kid, just lately she has decided she is sick of that and started demanding some attention.

She sneaks in to my facebook page and writes inappropriate Status updates for me.



She has 3 pet mannequins now, Gladys, who is now blue, and Madge and Flossie. I don't know why but several shop owners have donated them to Kayla and it is a little disconcerting to come home and see them all waving out of Kayla's bedroom window at me, well they would be if they all had arms, and Madge does have a little issue with her neck seeings as there is no head on it......but I haven't found them on my toilet in the dark though so I am pleased about that.

She also has a cat called Poor Crazy Lilith who is, well, a bit nuts :) We find her in the linen cupboard quite a lot....grrrr

Kayla is a very funny kid.

She has, as John (who made the top pic BTW) says, perfected the lost art of silliness. She is currently obsessed with swans and armoires and ebay is copping a flogging.


My Kayla is a special girl and I love her lots. She makes my life brighter.

What more can a mother ask for?

Flowers!! Yes, flowers....are you reading this child of mine????????

She did bring me this rose for Mothers day and a giant slice of carrot cake too........:)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As for the rest of the day today

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and thoughts in the past few days......

I have now got very red hair.....hopefully some of that will wash out soon

I am having....shhhhhh......a day off tomorrow.......

I am very tired, what is it about sitting in hairdressers for 3 hours with foils all over your head looking mighty attractive that makes one irritable and feisty??

Ah well.....

Tomorrow I paint!

update

Update on mum.....

Bloods are coming up which is good

Chemo dosage will be reduced as it is obviously too radical for her

Hair is still falling out

No transfusion necessary at this point in time

So, there you go......

Tell me....

What do you do when....

• your mothers hair is falling out and she is giving up hope and talking about not doing the chemo?
  
• the Tracylady at the hospital is on a rostered day off when she has told you to ring her for blood results?
  
• your ex comes to the office and your home without ringing first and then invades your space repeatedly and puts his hands on you in a too intimate way so you tell him that and he runs like a kicked f**cking cat leaving you angry and sad at having had to do that in the first place?
• when you know the train is coming and you can't get off the track?

And such is my day

FRIK

Lovely umm Honesty ....really!

Cynthia over at OWL has gifted me with this award......I like this one, honesty is a big deal around here and it means a lot coming from this lady, who writes a lovely blog and has lived and loved through much :)

The rules of this award are:

1.You must brag about the award.
2.You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger.
3.You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
4.Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog
5.List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself.

I will do the 10 things list but am only going to pass it on to one other today.
This one goes to Bogey, because I like him a lot and he smacks of honesty :)

So, 10 honest things?

1. I have put on far too much weight this year and I'm not sure I can be bothered doing much about it right now :(
2. I secretly yearn for romance....I can live without it but why should I?
   
3. I am naturally lazy :)
4. I wouldn't mind being a 'famous' artist if I didn't have to talk through my bum to get there
5. I sometimes wish I had paid more attention in school......I'd like to be able to wax lyrical about academic drivel but find it really hard to pay attention
6. I like what I like and don't feel the need to dissect it....it is enough that it touches me
7. Authority figures still intimidate me
8. Sometimes I want to slap people....my hand itches!
9. I can be a little scathing at times.....:(
10. I suffer from anxiety sometimes.......I don't like that at all
    

Evil Twin's Wife or whatshername? over at Glamorous Life of a Housefrau has also chosen to honour me with an award. Thank you ETW.......this is a new one! How excitement :)

The Bella Rules:

1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
2) Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I am breaking the rules though and giving it to anyone who would like it, because a) everyone who visits here has a lovely blog and b) I haven't got time for that much thinking and linking.

Stolen Meme stolen from Sarah Lulu

I knicked this from Sarah Lulu.....she told me too!



LAYER 1: Tell us your...

* Name: Michelle.....that's it, there is no more

* Birthday (month, day): March 14

* Birthplace: Sydney, Australia

* Current location: Lemon Tree Passage, NSW, Australia.

* Eye color: Blue

* Hair color: naturally a reddish brown with lots of salt and pepper, unnaturally reddish brown with copper and gold highlights (as of one day this week)

* Height: 5'41/2"

* Righty or lefty: Righty

* Zodiac sign: Pisces


LAYER 2: What's...

* Your heritage: Father is English...from Kent, mother a bitza aussie girl....bit of Irish and Greek in their somewhere I think

* The shoes you wore today: Wearing purple ugh boots right now....black flat boots later, heels don't like me

* Your weakness: Chocolate, eyes..... *sigh*

* Your fears: Not too many these days.....that I am aware of, not crippling ones anyway, I have faith!

* Your perfect pizza: garlic prawn woodfired from down on the marina here....otherwise double bacon and mushroom on a thin and crispy

* Goals you’d like to achieve: Living life to the fullest.....being smugly happy :) Getting my girls and boy safely grown up

* Your first waking thoughts: What day is it? What time is it? Ugh

* Your best physical feature: Probably my eyes. I used to have a pretty cool bum once upon a time too......I don't know.....just me I guess

* Your most missed memory: Innocence


LAYER 3: Do you...

* Smoke: Yep....hopefully that will be a thing of the past sometime soon.....IT WILL

* Cuss: Of course

* Sing: I love to sing, when i give up smoking I may even sound a bit better :)

* Do you think you’ve been in love: Well, yes.

* Did you go to college: 3 years of art school.....not finished yet...one day

* Liked high school: Hmmmm.......

* Want to get/stay married: Who knows.....

* Believe in yourself: Yes

* Think you’re attractive: Depends on my day and state of mind...I'm okay

* Think you’re a health freak: Definately not....

* Get along with your parent(s): I do now.....with Dad, from a distance

* Like thunderstorms: Love em...woo hoooooo

* Play an instrument: I wish...I play a pretty good paintbrush




LAYER 4: In the past month have you…

* Drank alcohol: Sober nearly 8 years.

* Smoked: Constantly

* Done a drug: No...does Valium count?

* Made out: HAHAHAHAHA

* Gone on a date: Ummm, been asked but no......does lunch with Lisa count?

* Gone to the mall: Yep...groan

* Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Nope

* Eaten sushi: Ewwww

* Been on stage: Only in my mind

* Been dumped: Ahem!

* Gone skating: Not since I was 14

* Gone skinny dipping: Nahhh

* Stolen Anything: No


LAYER 5: Have you ever…

* Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yep ;)

* Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Gawd yes

* Been caught “doing something”: Ummmm maybe

* Been called a tease: In ancient days

* Gotten beaten up: Actually, yes, quite a lot.....NO MORE

* Shoplifted: Yes....... I paid, trust me


LAYER 6:

* Age you did get/hope to be married: I married at 30......divorced at 37

* Numbers and names of children (either you have or want): 4 children....Tahni, Joshua, Kayla and Shelli....24, 19, 17 and 15

* Describe your dream mate: Someone who makes my life brighter

* How do you want to die: Suddenly....this drawn out business sucks

* What did you want to be when you grow up: When I was 15? Dead :)

* What country would you most like to visit: England, Israel ....lots of places


LAYER 7: Now tell...

* Name a drug you’ve taken illegally: Too many

* Name a person you could trust with my life: Hmmmmm......my mum and Tahni.

* Name a favorite CD that you own: Meatloaf...Bat Out of Hell...now there's a trip down memory lane :)

* Number of piercings: 2 in my ears and one in my nose

* Number of tattoos: None...this may change...or not

* Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: A couple

* Name a past experience that you regret: Lying to people I loved

I have .......gratitude!

Musings

Sunday here

6 am ish

Yawn

The past two weeks have been a tornado for me

I suppose the two poems written below show the spectrum of emotions being experienced here in the world of me

The first one could be titled 'Anticipation' I suppose, it is about me looking forward.......to something yet to come....whilst being stuck in the lonely

The second, about seeing through the illusions and what disappointment my own expectations have led me to......in the end it is always my own expectations of things, people, places and so on that either are or are not lived up to. Yes, it is a bit bitter but so am I to a degree. Not with any one person in particular (well, maybe a couple :), just the illusion in general.

Expectations.......hmmmmm

In my marriage and in this latest ex relationship I always felt I should go into it with a totally honest outlook, I was as honest about myself as I knew how to be, I told all, all the important stuff about me and who I was at the time. I expected the same in return, I made it crystal clear that I expected this, I knew that secrets are toxic and always end up hurting someone. And I was right and the secrets ended up hurting me. I spent a large chunk of my early adulthood living lies and I know the effect of this on my soul, the damage it does, I tried not to take that with me. They lied anyway.

These lies were what eventually killed the relationship. As they do.

I am certainly not perfect. Far from it, but I put me out there honestly, because you will either like me or not, but I need to like me more. And these days, most days, I do.

I don't see the point in it. I really don't. Lies ALWAYS come back and bite you on the arse at some point, do they not. Lies make you uncomfortable in yourself. Make you have to question what you say. Not believe what another says. Lies kill trust. Trust is vitally important in a relationship......trust is more important than love in the end.

So, while it is not always easy or comfortable for me, I do not lie these days. It makes me feel sick and shaky when I do. And I seem to have an inbuilt radar when someone lies to me. I always know. I'm not particularly fond of that either but there you go.

This doesn't mean that I am a suspicious person either. I'm probably a bit gullible actually, and I tend to believe the best of people because I want to.

I will trust, I need to.

I will love, I need to.

And no doubt I will be hurt again, probably because I need to.

Life and it's lessons sometimes wear me down

But I get back up

Everytime :)

Reflection

On the surface of you

Was all I ever wanted

Wild and free

With a touch of the holy

You said you knew your own mind

But the wild was imagined and freedom a joke

Images of the past forever

Keeping you trapped in your illusions

Of the life that drove you there

And all I ever wanted

Was a lie

Shiny surfaces

Seeing only yourself

Looking out at you

Everytime

A creative urge

From where I sit this night

World’s passing before my eyes

I reach out my hand

The silence is deafening

Inside the thunderous hum

I hear you call my name

The glass is cold on my fingertips

The silence is deafening

I run my fingers over empty space

Softly, it whispers my name

I wait…

And the silence is deafening

whirlywhirly

My life is a whirlwind today

But lovely lisa loped along for a luscious lunch

and brought cake from Pru that was divine!

So, even though I have had ex in my garage for 2 days in a row, and likely a few more next week, because I can't be mean and tell him to p off when he needs the garage to throw some clay around.....YET....grrrrrr.....(he WON'T be there if I have a day off!) I managed to restrain myself from telling him to go away when he had to come and sit around this office when I was busy.

This will not become a habit!

Been busy doing life and have accomplished some/lots of stuff

Whacko

I am very very tired today

Emotional slow down methinks

Tomorrow had better be peaceful I tell you

zzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz

Long story short in point form

• Go see oncologist ..........blah blah blah
• Get phone call from coordinater lady 5 minutes after we left, she still has not told doctor we have sacked her, thought she was being a bit nice......told Tracy( coordinater, henceforth known as Tracy) that that was her job
• Go get blood test in preparation for tomorrows chemo
• Go back to office and deal with ex L who has come to do things in my garage and thinks I have an hour and a half spare to talk about nothing
• Also deal with 45 other things that need dealing with in the orifice
• Get phone call from Tracy saying that a) Dr Henceforthknownasasshole has agreed to LET mum see another doctor but she REFUSES to write the referral! WTF???
  and b) that mums nutrifills (infectionfightingwhitebloodcells) are almost non existent and that she wont be having chemo tomorrow and that we have to watch her like a hawk and at the first sign of an infection/temperature get her to the hospital pronto as an infection may well kill her.......
• So, have organised to go to GP to get referral written for head honcho guy that has been mentioned here previously, the one that is Tahnis friends father.......and mum will not be leaving the building until she has a bloodtest first thing Monday morning to see if her whatsi's are up or down....down will mean a transfusion or something I guess.
• Shelli took it upon herself to write an email to ex hub today and let him have it with both barrels....to which he has replied and hopefully some sort of progress will be made. A big step really as she is finally getting it out
• Had counseling with Shelli again tonight....I think this lady is dragging things up from her toes, things that need to get out, so good
• Shelli found out she didnt win a competiton she was hoping for and tears have been shed, I think a build up of ex and that sent her little self into leak out......positive I hope, better out than in? I am thinking I am in for a wild ride here for a little while.....hmmmm

Am now home, it is late, sister has arrived so this is good, she will make sure mum takes her damn temperature and some good things to build her blood up......any suggestions on that appreciated too please.

I think I may go to bed now......arghhhhhhhhhhhhh

hadehaha

Here's a funny one!

I got a reply to my email yesterday

He said "practice what you preach"....

I may be a bit thick here

But I don't get it?

So, I sent one back and said "Own your own shit asshole" or something very similar

Charming I know

:0)

Ahhhh, life is full of such joyful moments

Here's another funny

Said ex's nephew popped around tonight and ended up staying for dinner

Such a lovely kid, he is 18, and he loves us still

I am Aunty Michelle forever it seems

And I realised that when I split up with ex.....I did walk away from his sisters kids

Who loved me

Now I must own my own shit it seems

So I did........grrrrrrrrr

Oncologist appointment today

Oh yay




LATER

I am adding a bit on here.....

When I went to rehab I was away for nearly 6 months, during this time my ex and my mum looked after my kids, my ex let our house turn into a filthy brothel that my kids had to live in, my eldest daughter had a lot of extra responsibility thrust onto her, in spite of the fact that I had let that happen anyway, in my drunkenness...it got worse. But still I stayed in rehab because the alternative was to die. That's how sick I was. When I came home, my ex continued to drink, even though I was pretty fragile......long story short, I left my marriage and walked away from everything, including his family (heavy drinkers) and mine, except for my kids of course, they came with me. I did this because I HAD to.......so I think there may be a slight difference in reasoning here, don't you? I suppose I am justifying a bit, but those kids had their own parents.

And the beat goes on...

Well, dentist went okay

Going back on the 15th of June for 2 fillings :(

Should be 4 or 5 really but that's okay.....I will harass them about that on the 15th

He couldn't see any evidence of damage by grinding or any evident reason for the infection thing so I will have an x-ray before I go next time.....I'd say it was just brought on by the stress of that horrible week.....haven't been gritting my teeth since that I have noticed. No gum disease either...phew

I've been feeling a bit rudderless this week....I'm glad Cherie ( my sister) is coming, it takes some weight off me for a week at least. Mum has a fixation with getting her bedroom all cleared out and repainted so she can help her with that...I haven't got the energy :) It's her fault anyway she bought her a new doona cover for Christmas which has started it all off.......hehe

Mum has been going through her clothes and stuff and throwing/giving away the stuff she can't wear anymore, due to the surgery etc and I guess it's kind of cathartic in a way.

Unfortunately, she is very little and none of it fits me :(

She is still feeling pretty crappy from the chemo.......be interesting to see what her blood counts are this week. We have also sacked her oncologist! And asked for someone who can at least pretend to give a shit! Should make for an interesting appointment on Thursday, seeings as we don't actually get a new one till the next appointment :)

Stuff it.....she deserves better than that. Everyone does!

Anyway, it's time for me to get ready for the day

PS....Kayla got a phone call from the ex this morning.....grrrrrr

Woo hoo

Ha ha!

My sister has just emailed me

She is arriving on Thursday and staying till next Saturday

Woohooooo

Now she can do the two chemo appointments I wasn't going to be able to because Tahni couldn't get here.....

And I might even get a day off!

How excitement.....