Saturday, May 23, 2009

Unfettered

I don't know where I got this from but I love it!


Life is too short to waste on bullshit I have decided.

Well, I decided that quite a while ago but I am reinforcing that today.

My sister left today so life is back to 'normal', god I hate that word!

She didn't want to go...

I didn't want her to go...

Mum wishes we could all be here because every time she goes she doesn't know how many times she will see her again, so tears were shed this afternoon.

She will be back soon.

Chemo was done yesterday, they were concerned because her bloods were still very low, but they did it anyway.

We talked about chemo a bit, and we decided that we would ask for a staging after this lot and then seriously ask some questions of the new doctor about whether it is worth it, in the long run.

This is what is left of her life, she needs to feel she is living it!

I know she is doing the chemo because she thinks it is what we want, that she is scared to be really sick because it will be hard for ME.....fuck! I told her today that this is HER life, she needs to call the shots, I am just holding her hand!

So, we will see what the next few weeks brings and then, whatever she decides, will be what is.

I am also investigating some extra alternative stuff for her, aimed specifically at the lungs, because the bowel has, so far, responded very well to the B17 by not growing anywhere else!

So there.

I didn't get out for my walk yesterday, I didn't stand under a tree for me, but I felt good anyway, because it was only the rain that stopped me, and I chose not to get wet that day:)

I feel strong today.

I hope that lasts for a while.

I am listening to KD Lang. I like KD Lang, she's a bit sexy.

I feel strangely unburdened and well, free!

I feel like I am growing into me.

I needed to leave and I did.

I made the right choice.

I am strong.

Hear me roar!

Ummm, the post below was Shelli! Dobbing me in because she cut up the carrots and they were all over the floor! Can't get away with anything around here!

Bosh


14 comments:

Sarah Lulu said...

You forgot ...normal is only a cycle on a washing machine!

Proud, as always to know you ...you are doing a terrific job meandering through the mess you find yourself in.

I can hear you roar from here !!!

KD does have the most amazing voice.

Natalie said...

It is a beautiful feeling, to fall in love with who you are. You never do that, unless you have quite time, alone.
Lovely to see the blossoming of you.xx♥

Barry said...

Having cancer is hard.

Caring for a person who has cancer is harder, I think.

Much harder.

Audrey said...

Michelle, this was a great post - very positive and inspiring. I am glad that you are encouraging your Mum to live for HER. That is such a difficult thing for all parties, but it is so important. And I am thrilled that the bowels are responding well to the B17! That is good news indeed. How is the new doctor? Would have to be better than the last one, I should imagine!
xoxoxo

Renee said...

So much here Michelle:

1. You will miss your sister.

2. The painting is really beautiful, the colours are gorgeous.

3. Yes it is your Mom's decision Michelle, but the chemo should be do able. They should have the appropriate drugs to help her with the side effects. Yes it is not nice but it is do able. But again it is her decision.

Love you. Renee xoo

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Love the painting! I am so glad that you can be there for your mom. You are absolutely doing the right thing. And, I hope your son had a very happy, happy day!

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

You are truly motivational, Michelle! Love the painting, love your outlook and love that you're enjoying your own company for the time being. It's the only way to learn about yourself and what it takes to make you happy and complete in this life.♥
Darla

Bogey said...

A complete array of emotions here. From sadness, uncertainty, courage and strength. You seem to embrace them all and allow yourself to do so. You are doing a job nobody envy's my friend and you are doing it wisely and with compassion and empathy. Be good to yourself. xx♥

Lisa said...

beautiful
everything has reason, purpose
but you know that, dont you ?

Anonymous said...

Love thae painting...so different for you...shows how you have changed.Life is precious and each day is a gift - you are right to give your mum the freedom to chose how she wants to spend her days - for no one else but her.You are a strong woman much stronger in this while process than I ever was ( I was a weakling that hid in doorways ) you amaze me with your capacity for decision making...from strength to strength.w.w.

Michelle said...

It's not my painting people!

I wish it was, and I will certainly be letting it influence me :)

Lisa said...

i know that !!

Butler and Bagman said...

I like the poppies too...or whatever they are...the painting anyway...and I agree with Lulu...also pleased to see that Lulu got her commentary in just before Natalie did.

Debbie said...

I can't imagine the uproar and pace your life is in right now. I wish you peace.