6 am ish
The past two weeks have been a tornado for me
I suppose the two poems written below show the spectrum of emotions being experienced here in the world of me
The first one could be titled 'Anticipation' I suppose, it is about me looking forward.......to something yet to come....whilst being stuck in the lonely
The second, about seeing through the illusions and what disappointment my own expectations have led me to......in the end it is always my own expectations of things, people, places and so on that either are or are not lived up to. Yes, it is a bit bitter but so am I to a degree. Not with any one person in particular (well, maybe a couple :), just the illusion in general.
In my marriage and in this latest ex relationship I always felt I should go into it with a totally honest outlook, I was as honest about myself as I knew how to be, I told all, all the important stuff about me and who I was at the time. I expected the same in return, I made it crystal clear that I expected this, I knew that secrets are toxic and always end up hurting someone. And I was right and the secrets ended up hurting me. I spent a large chunk of my early adulthood living lies and I know the effect of this on my soul, the damage it does, I tried not to take that with me. They lied anyway.
These lies were what eventually killed the relationship. As they do.
I am certainly not perfect. Far from it, but I put me out there honestly, because you will either like me or not, but I need to like me more. And these days, most days, I do.
I don't see the point in it. I really don't. Lies ALWAYS come back and bite you on the arse at some point, do they not. Lies make you uncomfortable in yourself. Make you have to question what you say. Not believe what another says. Lies kill trust. Trust is vitally important in a relationship......trust is more important than love in the end.
So, while it is not always easy or comfortable for me, I do not lie these days. It makes me feel sick and shaky when I do. And I seem to have an inbuilt radar when someone lies to me. I always know. I'm not particularly fond of that either but there you go.
This doesn't mean that I am a suspicious person either. I'm probably a bit gullible actually, and I tend to believe the best of people because I want to.
I will trust, I need to.
I will love, I need to.
And no doubt I will be hurt again, probably because I need to.
Life and it's lessons sometimes wear me down
But I get back up