Sunday, May 17, 2009

Musings

Sunday here

6 am ish

Yawn

The past two weeks have been a tornado for me

I suppose the two poems written below show the spectrum of emotions being experienced here in the world of me

The first one could be titled 'Anticipation' I suppose, it is about me looking forward.......to something yet to come....whilst being stuck in the lonely

The second, about seeing through the illusions and what disappointment my own expectations have led me to......in the end it is always my own expectations of things, people, places and so on that either are or are not lived up to. Yes, it is a bit bitter but so am I to a degree. Not with any one person in particular (well, maybe a couple :), just the illusion in general.

Expectations.......hmmmmm

In my marriage and in this latest ex relationship I always felt I should go into it with a totally honest outlook, I was as honest about myself as I knew how to be, I told all, all the important stuff about me and who I was at the time. I expected the same in return, I made it crystal clear that I expected this, I knew that secrets are toxic and always end up hurting someone. And I was right and the secrets ended up hurting me. I spent a large chunk of my early adulthood living lies and I know the effect of this on my soul, the damage it does, I tried not to take that with me. They lied anyway.

These lies were what eventually killed the relationship. As they do.

I am certainly not perfect. Far from it, but I put me out there honestly, because you will either like me or not, but I need to like me more. And these days, most days, I do.

I don't see the point in it. I really don't. Lies ALWAYS come back and bite you on the arse at some point, do they not. Lies make you uncomfortable in yourself. Make you have to question what you say. Not believe what another says. Lies kill trust. Trust is vitally important in a relationship......trust is more important than love in the end.

So, while it is not always easy or comfortable for me, I do not lie these days. It makes me feel sick and shaky when I do. And I seem to have an inbuilt radar when someone lies to me. I always know. I'm not particularly fond of that either but there you go.

This doesn't mean that I am a suspicious person either. I'm probably a bit gullible actually, and I tend to believe the best of people because I want to.

I will trust, I need to.

I will love, I need to.

And no doubt I will be hurt again, probably because I need to.

Life and it's lessons sometimes wear me down

But I get back up

Everytime :)

13 comments:

Natalie said...

Maybe you won't need to get hurt again, because you NO LONGER need to. (it is possible :D).

Your honesty is the thing I love and respect the most about you. With hub's family, I am constantly living a lie, and it is as you say, soul destroying.I would just like to be me, but it isn't possible, as it would hurt too many people. :(

Michelle said...

Wellll, that'd be nice :)

Natalie said...

There are so many people in my warped family, who just make my life worse if I stay away from them. Meaning mum,dad, father of nephew.

Mark's family have an UNBENDING view of the way people should behave, and I am not it, unfortunately.

Me being me, would scare the living daylights out of them, and make them angry at me, the kids and especially Mark for choosing me.
I am too afraid of the fallout, I have tried it once before and it was hideous. :(

Cyndy said...

It gets back to the old adage of "no-one else is responsible for your own happiness" in a way doesn't it. We sometimes have dreams & expectations of others that usually end up being just that: dreams & expectations. It sets us up for disappointment.
And the person that we are lying to most often is ourself. It's hard to separate fooling ourselves and optimism, sometimes.
We all need love in our lives,and will frequently compromise ourselves to achieve it, believing that the end justifies the means. Sometimes, just sometimes, it does. We all have to bend a little along the way.
But when your soul & self get lost along the way, then its wrong. Because in the end, it is just a lie, and lies, as you say are a destructive thing that feeds on the everything around them, polluting with the resultant defeacation of more lies that are necessary to sustain them.

Yes Michelle, you will always get back up, but it's ok to rest awhile sometimes. Love does that, and you are a lover: that's no lie.

Who were we in a past life? Seriously.

oxoxoxoxxoxoxo

Sarah Lulu said...

Hello darling girl ....

You will love again and it's best (although almost impossible) to love as if you have never been hurt nor will you be hurt ...

But first you must get past loneliness and be at ease with being alone with God.

I look forward to seeing more of you ...

Sarah Lulu

Cyndy said...

Rabbits? So that's how we got into this rut.......

Oh, How I love the double entendre....

<3 <3 <3 <3

Bogey said...

Hi Michelle,

At one point I did have a built in radar whereby I would just know when somebody was BS'ing me. It rarely failed me. Except when I absolutely let my guard down. Usually when I was feeling secure in a relationship. Then it felt like I got kicked in the bag. Twice I was engaged and both times, well, I won't go into details but I think you can guess. The fact that they could look me in the eye and lie floored me. How long that was going on before the truth came out...who knows.

I was just as devastated at the end of my last relationship. Again, I was so into it and feeling secure, my radar failed me.

Gettin up and starting all over again is probably a given. The problem is it's just like an athlete who gets back into the game before letting the injuries heal properly. You become prone to favouring the injury possibly reopening the wound or worse, overprotecting yourself so you don't play the game the way you used to.

Now I feel like I'm writing a post. Sorry about that.

Michelle, just take time to heal and build your strength up. And learn to love yourself first. xxx

Lisa said...

michelle
i love you
be you in entirety
and accept only that in return
smooch x

Renee said...

7 times down; 8 times up.

You are wonderful Michelle.

I think that women traditionally fall in love with the potential opposed to the reality and that is always a big mistake.

Being honest is the only way to go.

Love Renee xoxo

Strawberry Girl said...

So true Michelle, lies really hurt. In fact even though it is hard, I have found that being more open on my blog has helped me as well. I don't have the best relationship with my own hubby, lies have hurt our relationship, but hopefully we've both learned better (I think trust as well, trust that being open won't get you hurt, have been factors). At least you are acknowleding things, I think that's a good attitude. :D

Self-Proclaimed Mistress of Nothing said...

I completely understand what you mean about honesty. The truth may not always be pretty -- but lies are intolerable.

I know there's at least one person from my past who thinks they can hurt me with information from years ago. Ha! I am very open about who I am and what I've done so no one can hold anything over me. Honesty is freedom. =)

Butler and Bagman said...

I will keep loving and trusting too because I need to...you hit it on the nose there. I remember a few times when I've trusted people who have stolen from me (just things, not my heart)...and thinking, "Okay, so I just lost a camera. The next time something like this happens, I need to trust again because otherwise this asshole has not only stolen my camera but my soul as well.

Audrey said...

Your comments about lieing really resonated with me. I can tolerate almost anything, but I have ZERO tolerance for lies! They absolutely make me crazy, probably because I do not see the point in them. As you said, the truth will eventually reveal itself anyway!

You are a strong woman Michelle! These painful times are simply making you stronger, wiser and more loving. Hang in there.

xoxoxo